Milk and Honey

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Posted under Uncategorized by Harry on 2.09.2010

The bins have not been emptied for two weeks. Why do we have to pay so much bloody council tax, if the refuse collectors cannot even do their job, which let’s be fair, isn’t exactly difficult. I phoned the local council. “Our bins have not been emptied for two weeks” I said. “I saw a wasp!” She ignored the wasp comment completely. Although wasps are technically not vermin, they don’t really contribute much to society. Bees make honey, wasps do not make peanut butter. Those hover flies that look like wasps, but are completely harmless do not make marmalade. Bees rule the market when it comes to tea and toast.

“Tell me your address and I’ll look on the system and find out why it has not been emptied.” I told her the address and reiterated my previous comment about the wasp, which again she ignored. “It could be that your bin contained garden waste, contaminated waste or it could have been in the wrong place” she said. “There is no garden waste in it, as I detest gardening. It is full of normal household waste, and it’s in the same place it always is” I told her, It occurred to me that maybe they didn’t take it because they saw the wasp and were worried about being stung, but I decided not to mention this. Apparently our bins were not left in an easily accessible place for the refuse collectors, even though they were perfectly accessible every other time. “Should I leave them on the pavement?” I asked, “No” she said, “just place them nearer to the gate.” Some cold-hearted bitch threw a live cat in a bin and got famous, but nobody gives a pigs fart about a wasp.

Then, I left a note out to tell the milkman that I would like to cancel our weekly delivery of semi-skimmed milk. It seemed like a good idea at first, but turned out to be more expensive than buying it from the shop, with the added risk of it getting nicked from your doorstep. So what did the milkman do? He left two pints of full-fat milk. What the piss am I supposed to do with that? Only obese children who eat Coco-Pops for breakfast use full-fat milk, and maybe people use it for baking cakes or something, I don’t know. So now what? Am I going to get the same delivery next week? Could he not read my writing? Do I have to phone the dairy and threaten them with legal action, give the milkman a Chinese burn?

Do I have to do everything myself here? Should I dig a landfill pit in the back garden to bury our rubbish? Should I buy a cow in order to get the right type of milk at the right time? Imagine drinking straight from the cow’s teats, now that must be the very definition of a win-win situation. Its things like these that make me wonder if I can survive in the real world. It’s hard enough to get up and go to work without worrying about crap like this. Pretty soon I’ll give up on eating with cutlery, answering the phone and personal hygiene if this goes on.

So in short, if you’re reading this, that’s NO to the milkman, YES to the bin men, and MAYBE to the wasp. Pretty straight forward, right?
HJ

bin

The Death of David Kelly, Withdrawl from Iraq, and the Lack of Sympathy for Pakistan…

Posted under News by Sajeel on 27.08.2010


A Re-Examination…

So now people in positions of legitimate authority are willing to admit there are ‘doubts’ concerning the official verdict concerning the death of Doctor David Kelly. Well, of course, they’re a few years behind the laymen and the conspiracy theorists in their suspicions.

A new inquest may re-examine the evidence and try to combat the shortcomings of the formal conclusions; however, it would be extremely unlikely that anything overly controversial would be brought to light. Good intentions or not, no official enquiry into ANY mysterious death or alleged conspiracy will EVER publicly reveal information that would threaten or damage the status quo. All previous evidence suggests that such exercises are merely for show, whether it concerns JFK, Princess Diana, Marylin Monroe, or in this case David Kelly, who was supposed to have committed suicide with a blunt instrument.

Not that I’m comparing David Kelly’s death to JFK’s or making any genuine comparison to the Warren Commission. But the fact is that if there was a conspiracy behind David Kelly’s death, particularly if it involved figures or agencies in power, it is quite simply not going to be made public.

The Withdrawal…
Interestingly, this week also marks the tail-end of the US withdrawal from Iraq; despite statements from some in the Iraqi government that the country isn’t ready to be left on its own yet. It begs the question of whether anything of any worth has been accomplished in Iraq, other than lots of death and the unceremonious execution of one dictator.

None of which is any reflection of Obama’s Presidency, of course. Obama’s popularity in the US has sunk unbelievably low unbelievably quickly; and now he’s being attacked from every side over this mosque and community centre being built close to the site of the World Trade Centre…


Lack of Aid, and the New Anti-Semitism…

Concerning the continued shortage of aid to Pakistan – America and Britain are the nations providing the most aid by far – people can postulate all the reasons they want (economic stresses, hard times, etc), but the implication that seems to be only thinly-veiled in the background of all this is a generally anti-Pakistani and specifically anti-Muslim attitude in the West. It becomes more and more apparent that attitudes towards Muslims in the Western Hemisphere are not all that dissimilar to what attitudes towards the Jewish minorities were in Europe in the nineteen thirties.

European nations can all pretend that anti-Semitism was a specifically German disease, but historically MOST OF EUROPE was anti-Jewish and this including DURING the war. It was only after discovering the concentration camps and the extent of the Nazi crimes that attitudes in some quarters started to soften. And a lot of anti-Semitism continued even after that. And, of course, there’s still plenty of racism towards Jewish communities today.


European Intolerance…?

There seems also to be a misapprehension in the West that Pakistan is somehow a terrorist state and doesn’t deserve aid or sympathy. This stems partly from the fact a large number of terrorists have come from Pakistan; which is true. And also from the blight of Taleban activity within Pakistan – which also is true. But the Taleban are an ILLEGAL entity in Pakistan, which the government and military has been fighting for years. And the terrorists are a minority; just like the criminal population of the UK is a minority – no one with an ounce of intelligence would call the UK a ‘Criminal State’ because there happens to be a lot of criminals.

The people dying, starving, or contracting diseases in the flood-afflicted areas – including a huge number of children – have nothing whatsoever to do with terrorism or extremism.

And all this is regarding a country that, more than any other Muslim country, has been an ally of the West in fighting against terrorism and extremism, even if the competency of its government leaves a lot to be desired.

Surely, with all the modern political leaning towards ‘Globalisation’, the notion of a one-world community, the plight of millions of people in ANY country should warrant a concerted and unanimous international response, irrespective of religious biases…

Evidently, the main culprit of this new cultural Scrooge-ness isn’t the UK or the US, but other major European nations, whose intolerance towards the Muslim community has been steadily growing over the years, increasingly even being manifested now at governmental levels…

Power Knapping

Posted under Uncategorized by Harry on 24.08.2010

Is there anything, anywhere in existence that is more tiresome and uninspiring than a power point presentation?

What cretin initially came up with the theory, whereby you could actually teach people new information by making them watch a slide show of excerpts of writing, whilst somebody stands beside it, repeating what it says. And lest you forget, you are also issued with a hand out showing the slides which are being projected onto the wall right in front of your face, whilst somebody reads them out.

This mundane sentence salad is being force-fed into your brain, with the lights in the room turned off, and the gentle purr of the projector over your head. I spoke to some of my colleagues afterwards and I was glad to hear it wasn’t just me who found it hard to remain conscious, let alone learn anything. It’s as if some joker mixed ketamine with the bucket of Nescafé in the mess room. I felt like I was about to slip into a coma.

I really think that there’s a market here for insomniacs and people with violent mental disorders. I’m even considering getting a projector set up in my room so that I can have my own power point sedative between night shifts.

It’s exactly the same theory as those things that project stars and play tinkly music to help kids get to sleep. We need an adult version of those things. We could have dynamic gibberish spinning round our rooms whilst Raymond Snoddy reads them out. It’ll be like watching BBC breakfast news whilst being drunk. Fantastic! I’m ready to quit my job and dedicate my time to making a prototype. I just need your financial backing. Email me immediately if you’re interested.
HJ

slide 1

Pakistan’s Disaster, Cameron’s Big Mouth, and Cappello’s Ill-Fated Decision…

Posted under News by Sajeel on 13.08.2010


England Are Still Shit, and Cappello Bars Beckham…

England’s first game after the disastrous and pitiful World Cup non-event proved to be no real improvement. Barely scraping a 2 – 1 victory over Hungary is no great comeback. But worse is Fabio Cappello’s decision to announce David Beckham’s expulsion from all future England games. Why? Why close the door to England’s greatest and most experienced player at a time when the national squad is in crisis? Not only the country’s best player, but a player who is both emblematic of England on the international stage and who is a true galvaniser on the pitch?

The England squad certainly doesn’t have anyone else to match him. And what’s the big issue about his age? Is 32 seriously too old to be playing effectively at international level? What about Alessandro Del Piero for Italy, who was well passed 32 and still featuring in the national squad? Del Piero, in fact, scored the winning goal in Italy’s World Cup semi final against Germany in 2006 and thus helped Italy to win that tournament.

What about Paolo Maldini? Huan Sebastian Veron for Argentina? What about Blanco, who at the age of almost forty in this last World Cup remained one of Mexico’s best players?

Surely, experience and calibre should count for something. Surely you want a seasoned player that you can count on. Surely you’re not going to pin your hopes on Wayne Rooney? Especially given that the player in question still very much WANTS to play for England. Cappello is definitely in error here; he should, perhaps, remember that Steve Maclaren made the same decision after taking over from Sven – he expelled Beckham from the squad, claiming he wanted to make room for new players.

And what happened? England FAILED TO QUALIFY for Euro 2008! In the end, Maclaren got desperate and recalled Beckham to the squad for that ill-fated game against Croatia. And what happened? Miraculously, England started to look decent again – Beckham came on as a sub and transformed the game, bringing England to the brink of victory and qualification. But, alas, the damage had already been done and England were out.

The point is that history appears to be repeating itself. There’s absolutely no valid reason why Beckham couldn’t still be for England what the Blancos and Maldinis have been for their countries. The ghost of Maclaren appears to Fabio Capello, bound in iron chains like Jacob Marley appearing to Ebeneezer Scrooge, and warns “Don’t make the same mistakes that I made, Fabio…”


Pakistan’s Hour of Need…

If you were living in Pakistan right now, you’d be wondering what your country had done to deserve the karmic avalanche it is presently crumbling under. It seems strange, to say the least, that in the space of a fortnight, David Cameron condemned Pakistan for it’s supposedly weak stance against extremism, an air accident resulted in a great many deaths, and then the worst flooding in recorded history resulted in well over a thousand fatalities and millions of people displaced, their homes and communities completely destroyed.

Stranger yet are indications that aid donations to Pakistan have been considerably less than expected, and that they presently do not match the level of donations after the Haiti earthquake or the asian tsunami. If this is true, how much of it is a reflection of the present economic stresses and how much of it is a reflection of unfriendly attitudes towards Muslims and towards Pakistan in particular? Either would be a sad state of affairs; in an ideal society one would hope that humanitarian issues would override racial, religious or political considerations.


Cameron Talks Tough (Not)…

Worse, news journalists have reported that in many areas where the Pakistani government has failed to provide adequate aid or response to the victims of the disaster organisations with links to extremist groups have been providing food, medicine and care – the fear being that many more people might sympathise with or side with the extremists hereafter; people who might otherwise have been on the government’s side.

There’s no doubt that there is great incompetency in the Pakistani government (and there has certainly been corruption in it for a long time), but one area where it hasn’t been soft is in the war on terror. So quite what the pretender to the throne, David Cameron, was getting at when he critised Pakistan’s position on terrorism is a mystery. The Pakistani government and military has been fighting terrorism, the Taleban, and al-Qaeda relentlessly for over a decade. And let’s not forget that even the British government hasn’t always managed to effectively curtail terrorists in the UK; there’ve been numerous UK-based and even UK-born terrorists in the passed ten years.

All that David Cameron appears to have been doing is waving his saber around, hoping to sound tough…

As for Pakistan, one can’t help but fear for its future, particularly with the government and the army being stretched by the growing humanitarian crisis. It is predicted that many more people will die in the coming weeks and months from starvation or malnutrition; people without homes now, and people who’ve lost whole families. And misery and resentment are the perfect breeding ground for militants and extremists, particularly if a government known to be corrupt is failing to adequately tend to the desperate needs of its people…

Spawn of the Damned

Posted under Uncategorized by Harry on 11.08.2010

They’re bloody everywhere! I’m beginning to feel like a semi-professional rodent assassin. If anyone’s got any pest problems, give me a call, they seem to be attracted to my musk. They come crawlin’, I leave them cryin’. That’s my sales pitch. It’s also attitude towards street canvassers. Fuck you WWF! Both of them!

And why do they enjoy being in my bedroom so much? Nobody else does. What do they get up to behind my CD racks? There’s only one way to find out… Nope, just crawled behind them, and there’s nothing there apart from dust, pubes and a wine cork.

It was keeping me up scratching around and being a selfish dickhead. I baited the trap with a small handful of breakfast cereal, fruit and fibre to be exact. Their palette has changed and become more sophisticated with the different varieties of organic waste people fill their bins with, so I knew it’d approve of this healthy, high fibre breakfast.

I didn’t have to wait long until it came out, had a sniff, took a piece of cereal and went back to eat it alongside my Specials triple CD box set, I had no doubt that it was a relation of Kevin. It repeated this action until the trap lay there bare, and still cocked, and I lay there defeated and tired, until I fell asleep and dreamed of being chased by a midget armed with a chorizo.

I didn’t hear it again for a while after that, so I assumed it had left to reap new pastures elsewhere. True to my normal method of tidying up, I left the mousetrap where it was and went about my usual daily business. Several mornings later I awoke to a “CRACK”, I turned the light on and there it was looking startled and divided by the metal bar that saddled it. I can only assume it returned to find out who the guest vocalist on Nite Klub (CD1, track 3) was, totally forgot about the dangerous apparatus, and crawled over it.

I think that my success as a hunter has been more dependant on the stupidity of an animal with a brain the size of a peanut, than it has on any skill I may possess in the field. But still, altogether I now score at Me-8, The mouses-0. And that my friends, is the smell of victory!
HJ

mouse

Misleading Radio Broadcasts, Mass Panic, Churchill and the Flying Saucers…

Posted under News by Sajeel on 6.08.2010


War of the Worlds…

Most people have heard of the infamous Orson Welles broadcast of ‘War of the Worlds’ in the nineteen thirties; the radio play caused a wave of panic and hysteria in Chicago when thousands of listeners tuned in halfway through and mistakenly believed they were hearing REAL news reports of a REAL Martian invasion. It caused a mass panic in the streets, with people trying to flee the city; there were even deaths and accidents attributed to the hysteria.

I always used to think these people must’ve been really stupid not to realise they were hearing a dramatisation and not reality.

That was until a few weeks ago when I turned my radio on and caught what appeared to be a news report about a terrorist attack on the London Underground. I listened for at least two minutes to reports about bombs going off in central London; it all sounded like it was happening in real-time and I was beginning to feel genuine anxiety…

Then, eventually, it became apparent that the station was REPLAYING news footage from 7/7, and that what I was catching was part of a programme looking back at the events of that day in 2005. Whew!

The point is it took me a while to realise that; and so I suddenly understood just how all those jittery Americans in the 30s were able to make the mistake with ‘War of the Worlds’. Either that, or I’m just particularly stupid; which is a distinct possibility.


The Coming of the Saucers…

Speaking of alien invasions, however, information has just been released revealing Sir Winston Churchill’s concerns about flying saucers and UFO activity during the Second World War. To UFOlogists or people familiar with the subject, these revelations won’t come as that much of a surprise; there were plenty of alleged UFO incidents during the war, many of them involving fighter pilots and aerial encounters with so-called ‘Foo Fighters’.

People forget that the modern flying saucer craze actually began right after World War II, with the first popularly reported incidents and sighting occurring in 1947. The timimg has led some to suggest that the American detonation of atomic bombs over Nagasaki and Hiroshima in 1945 drew attention from extra-terrestrial observers, who’s technologies detected the radiation from those blasts; the ETs then began visiting Earth to investigate, which would be why flying saucer sightings were so rampant in the nineteen forties and fifties.

Another hypothesis, however, has been that the saucers were some kind of top secret craft being developed by either the Americans, Russians or Germans. This seems unlikely, however, based on the fact that nothing remotely like a flying saucer has been developed or put out there in the seventy years since.

Churchill, Hitler, and ET…

Either way, SOMETHING was definitely going on, and it wasn’t just Churchill who was worried; there have long been indications that Hitler and his people were also aware of the anomalous activity and concerned about it. The recently released documenation reveals that Churchill wanted to cover up the existence of the UFOs from the public, his fear being that knowledge of their existence would jeapordise belief in God.

In the nineteen forties, especially while the devastating events of the war were still unfolding, that probably IS what would’ve happened: the last thing you want during the middle of all that war, destruction, death and uncertainty, is for the population’s belief-system to be thrown into chaos. The really interesting question is whether or not that still applies today: would knowledge of extra-terrestrial visitations shatter the world’s religions? Would it destroy people’s belief in God?

Or would those who presently believe in God remain true to their current convictions, with the athiestic community being the ones who embrace the otherworldly visitors?

It’s a fascinating question, and it makes me think right back to that mass panic of the nineteen thirties after the ‘War of the Worlds’ broadcast: is that how WE would react to real knowledge of UFOs and aliens? Would we freak out en masse? Would society collapse? Or are we mature enough, comfortable enough, to handle that information? If the answer is no, then it would only serve to justify the cover-up, if there is one…

French Dictatorship, Personal Liberties, and Mad (Max) Telephone Rants…

Posted under Celebrity, News by Sajeel on 1.08.2010


The French Revolution…

So, the burqa has been banned in France, as it has been in several other European countries. But, alas, our Coalition Government has come down on the side of liberty and chosen not to impose the same prohibition. Thank God for that.

Not that the burqa is in any way something to be applauded. There’s nothing clever or endearing about people walking around with their faces hidden – I’d go so far as to call it anti-social and a deliberate choice to insulate oneself from the rest of the population. Some would also say that, historically speaking, it isn’t really an Islamic custom either, but a cultural one.

However, we should be far more bothered by the idea of governments dictating how people are allowed to dress. Liberty means the right to choose – legislating against the free expression of a perceived cultural identity is not liberty; it is dictatorial. No one would forbid a Nigerian woman from wearing a traditional tribal dress or head-dress, and no one would forbid a nun from wearing her habit; so why should Muslim women be singled out, just because it makes some people uncomfortable?

Certainly, in certain situations, such as in airports or in police scenarios – or in specific proffessions, such as in hospitals or in the police force, or in government – there should be certain requirements on appearance and dress code. But the French are banning women from covering up in public, FULL STOP. That makes a mockery of personal freedoms and liberties.

So, at least the British government values those principles more than our French neighbours do, apparently. No wonder Thierry Henry fled to America…

Speaking more broadly, I am always very wary when the establishment stigmatises non-conformity – and beyond wary when it legally ENFORCES conformity, whether it’s relating to opinions, beliefs, tastes, or, in this instance, clothing. There’s something very Communist about it; what next, a few years down the line? A ban on women wearing short skirts? A prohibition against hippies with long hair or punks with Mohicans?

Again, though I personally very much dislike the face veiling, I also dislike the idea of people being forced by LAW to conform to fashion norms. In this instance, it may only be an issue of clothing; but it could just as easily be something else one day. Even Pol Pot started somewhere…

Mad Max Calling…

Speaking of mistreatment on women, Mel Gibson is in the midst of another reputation-destroying scandal, this time for an abusive phone call he made to his lady-friend. Critics say his career is effectively over. I don’t particularly care about Mel Gibson anyway, but I can’t help but feel the whole episode is just meaningless trivia being amplified for the sake of sensationalism.

Clearly, the woman set him up by recording the conversation and sending it to the press; and most of what he said in the call seemed to consist of a standard, middle-of-the-road spousal rant. Nothing all that shocking.

In any case, I don’t see why private arguments between people in their personal relationships should have any business being blown up in the media, nor why such incidents should have any bearing on someone’s career or credentials. He’s not OJ Simpson – he just disapproved somewhat of some of his partner’s behaviour…

She’s electric

Posted under Uncategorized by Harry on 26.07.2010

The landlady of our flat recently recommended us to get prepay gas and electricity meters installed. “It works out cheaper” she said, “You don’t have to worry about paying bills”. We got them installed today. I’m sure once we pay off the existing bills, then they’ll work out fine.

The guy turned up to change the electricity meter at about 1:30pm, I only got to sleep at 10:00am after having a few pints after work. I got him a chair to stand on so he could get to it. The meter was enclosed in a neat wooden box near the ceiling, and was painted to blend in with the walls. “I can’t get to the fuses because of this wooden box” he told me. I went into my room and came back out with two feet of crowbar that I keep by my bed, in case I get locked in of course.

“Are you sure this is ok?” he asked, “its fine, go mental” I told him. I prefer it like this, it adds a nice industrial feel to the hallway, and I can use the box to house my collection of hookers cards that I have collected from phone boxes since moving to London in 2002. I remember when I used to play rugby…

The gas man turned up a few hours later to do the other meter. He’d only been here five minutes and the whole house stunk like hellfire. I was scared to turn the light on in case I levitated the terrace. I told him I was going to have to buy a budgie to keep in the hall way, and if it died I’d charge it to his company. (A gas man turns up at a house and knocks on the door. A ten year old boy answers wearing a corset, tights and high heels whilst smoking a spliff. “Hello son, is your mum about?” asks the gas man. The boy replies, “does it fucking look like it?”)

All I need now is a prepay meter for the council tax. It’s so fucking extortionate it makes me want to fuck off and live in bastard Essex! Rather that, than appear before the magistrates at 13:30 on 9th August 2010 unless I pay them £172 as my summons would suggest, which arrived in the mail this morning alongside my monthly subscription to Barely Legal, and a menu for Wing King. Which are pretty much identical incidentally. And I believe I have just created a new metaphor. A menu for Wing King. I wonder if anyone still bothers to buy porn mags? The internet has revolutionised our lives. Watch this link

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKALtEV1Leg

See, I told you. After the fifth time I watched it, I was laughing so much, I had to get a wad of toilet roll to wipe the tears from my eyes so that I could watch it another five times. It made milk spray out of my nose, and I wasn’t even drinking milk. I don’t think it’ll ever lose its appeal. It is the most hilarious thing I have ever seen.

In conclusion, I have decided that I would rather live in a cave with no running water, let alone electricity, than live in Essex, and I will always prefer cats.
HJ
budgie

Death and Tragedy, Strange Facebook Trends, and Really, Really Bad Football…

Posted under News by Sajeel on 18.07.2010

Sympathy For Killings…

The Raoul Moats story, clearly one of the saddest, most disturbing real-life dramas to play itself out in full public view in our country, has taken a strange turn in the form of all this much-hyped Facebook sympathising. The tributes to the disturbed and ultimately self-terminated killer have prompted indignation and condemnation from politicians, the PM David Cameron among them, and from journalists.

It’s a strange one, for sure; I can understand some people sympathising with Raoul Moats as a kind of tragic figure, or even as a modern type of anti-hero. But there’s a difference between sympathising out of basic compassion and LIONISING. There is surely something very perverse about trying to make a HERO out of someone who, essentially, murdered two people and then shot a cop IN THE FACE.

You wonder if all of this is genuine sympathising or if it’s just a case of more Internet-based bandwagonry; which is the social disease of our generation – people jumping onto a trend or collective ‘opinion’ en masse. The same kind of people who, for example, mobilised in their thousands to hound Johnothan Ross and Russell Brand out of the BBC.

On the other hand, there is a sense that the newspapers have deliberately exaggerated the Facebook thing in order to get more page-filler; half the people who joined the Facebook group were doing so in order to debate the matter, not just to express support or sympathy for Moats.

In my opinion, too many people don’t know the difference anymore between a tragic figure and a heroic figure; people feel sorry for someone and then it’s as if that person automatically becomes a saint. If true, this indicates a great degree of emotional and moral confusion in our society – which is hardly news. On a broader level, it may also reflect a lack of genuinely heroic figures in our country for people to latch onto, causing many to heroise anyone they can get their hands on.

All these people laying down flowers and the like can’t tell the difference anymore between Raoul Moats and Princess Diana or Jade Goody. It’s all the same to them.

At any rate, of COURSE it’s a sad story. Suicide in itself is a sad story, as are mental breakdowns; but both are going on all over the country every day. And the majority of those people who suffer it don’t achieve massive media coverage and don’t get turned into heroes by hundreds of morally confused internet users. And, for that matter, most of them don’t murder people along the way.


Comparable Sociopaths…

Something tells me that the same people wouldn’t be so quick to make a hero out of Mohammad Sidiqq Khan or the 7/7 bombers – yet, as far as I’m concerned, there’s very little difference, on a fundemantal level, between someone like Moats and someone like Sidiqq Khan; both were essentially mentally damaged sociopaths who turned against society and against people in general and came to devalue life so much that they were willing to kill themselves AND others at the same time.

On a broader level, the real sadness is that people can end up so alienated by society and so desensitised to violence and death…


No Dutch Courage…

Meanwhile, the World Cup came to a hugely anti-climatic end with one of the most boring finals in the competition’s history. Watching the pragmatic Spain and the lame Holland trudge out a tedious two hours of stilted football in what was supposed to be the biggest game in the world left me desperately wishing that Germany and Uruguay had won their semi-finals instead – we’d have had a better final, for sure.

Or better yet, that the likes of Ghana, Brazil or Japan had gotten through instead. How on earth did the Dutch get all the way to the final? They somehow fumbled their way through the competition, even fluking their way passed Brazil. Their complete non-performance ruined the tournament’s climaxe and left me even more peeved that they’d denied Brazil passage to the final – because Brazil would’ve given us a PROPER final against Spain.

Something has definitely gone downhill about the quality of international football performances, and it was in evidence all through this World Cup. It wasn’t South Africa’s fault – they hosted the World Cup beautifully; which makes it all the more irritating that the big footballing nations didn’t reciprocate the brilliant African spirit and atmoshphere with performances worthy of the World Cup stage. England weren’t the only culprits – Italy, France, and ultimatly Holland – did absolutely no credit to the sport.

Oh well, here’s hoping to a better party in four years time in Brazil. Assuming, of course, that the apocalypse doesn’t come in 2012…

Fun in The Sun

Posted under Uncategorized by Harry on 10.07.2010

As is custom in this country, it is of utmost importance, as soon as the weather gets tolerable to then go to on holiday to a hotter country, which may well be suffering from unprecedented storms. That way, you get to return home when our two weeks of British summer are over, and listen to everyone saying “You missed all the lovely weather, you’re not very brown, are you?” At which point you decide to keep the bottle of Spanish gin that you brought back for them, make a mental note to make a sarcastic remark about their appearance when they get back from their holiday, and also maybe execute the goldfish that they asked you to look after. Or is that just me? I never have been good at tanning. Then again, I never have been good at taking off-hand remarks, giving away perfectly good gin, or looking after goldfish either. It’s just not in my nature.

Anyway… Apparently this is not the best time to go abroad. With the worry about your carbon foot print (or cabron if you’re Spanish), the recession (is that still going on?), and the constant threat of volcanoes, terrorists, riots, dinosaurs and dysentery. Maybe it would be safer to go to Northumberland to help try to find an ex-convict gunman whilst wearing a fancy dress police uniform. [This seemed funny when I wrote it last night, how was I to know he’d shoot himself by the morning?]

With this in mind, I have come up with some alternative holiday ideas, which can be done on the cheap, and will provide a new and refreshing experience that you will never forget.

1. The Vagrant Holiday.
All you need to do for this is buy an old suit from a charity shop. You then pack as much cash as you have (leaving your cards and wallet at home), and as much booze as you can find around the house and you’re sorted. Take a train or a bus to a random town in Britain and choose a doorway to sleep in. Your time is then free so get wasted every night and beg the locals for more beer money. You may even bump into a smack dealer who can help you to find accommodation in a local squat. It’s basically the whole experience of being at a festival, without the musicians.

2. The Illegal Immigrant Holiday.
Similar start to the vagrant holiday this. You don’t take any valuables with you. On this one though, you make your way to the ferry port at Dover and crawl into the back of the nearest van or lorry that is not properly secured. You then hide yourself amongst the cargo until you end up in a foreign country. Your aim is then to specialise in a random manual labour until you get deported back home, which is where you were sending all your earnings anyway.

3. The Dreadlock Holiday.
This holiday is based on the song by 10cc obviously. It demonstrates how if you ever get any hassle from a group of “brothers”, then the best thing to do would be to tell them that you have a huge passion for cricket and reggae. It’s not really a holiday at all, though you may end up spending a few nights in A+E.

4. The Mental Breakdown Holiday.
This one is easy, all you need is a week off work, a bath tub, and hot running water. You basically fill the tub with lukewarm water and lay in it for a few hours until it is at body temperature. You then turn the lights off and unplug all appliances and draw all blinds, thus creating your own sensory deprivation tank. All you need to do then is lay in it for a few days, in total darkness and wait for the magic to happen. As soon as you have had your first outer body experience, then it’s probably best to pull the plug.

I hope that this has helped you to decide on where to go on holiday this year. Please do remember though, they are only suggestions, I’m off to Spain. Adios.
HJ

tramp

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