The beginning of the year means many things to people. For some, it’s the end of the holiday season, which is good enough reason to leg it out of Blighty to somewhere much warmer where women wear bikini’s all day long.

To me, the new year is the start of the film industry’s award season and when us lot across the pond get to see the films actually worth seeing that the Hollywood big-shots selfishly keep until the end of the year so as to stay fresh in the minds of those involved in the awards.

Having just come back from the states, I have the advantage of beating some of you to the endless ridicule that some of these films thoroughly deserve.

But first I must congratulate Kate Winslet on making every girl in the world green with envy by having Leo Dicaprio super-glued to her dress at the Golden Globes. I’ve contacted YSL and unfortunately all they could offer me was a replica dress with Matt Damon attached… urgh, could you imagine the embarrassment.

The actress picked up two Golden Globes, one for “Revolutionary Road” in which she plays opposite her fashion accessory and one for “The Reader”, which definitely deserves a “massive shout-out” as the film moved me… quite literally, as it’s graphic sex scenes made the creepy looking man sitting near us fumble around rather suspiciously and a change of seat was in order.

Funnily enough it was these scenes from the film without Leonardo Dicaprio that brought back memories of her previous film with the cricket ball-like headed heart-throb. Once again Winslet decided to get those puppies out (and we all remember the scene in which Jack draws Rose, cleverly using the easel to hide his stiffy), one thing’s for sure – those babies sank faster than the Titanic. With all that money you’d think the girl could afford a bra or two.

But really Kate, well done on making Angelina Jolie feel even smaller than her pencil-thin body actually is. It is easy to forget Angelina Jolie’s name, it’s not like it’s in the press that often.

Which brings me nicely to my next question. Why exactly was the stick insect with lips nominated for a Globe? Those of you who have seen her performance in “Changeling” will know that her acting skills were impossible to asses as her bloody hand was in the way of her face for all the dramatic moments. Now I’m no actress, but surely obscuring your face for half the film is cheating. I’m guessing it was impossible to nominate just the hand for an award even though it gave a much better performance than the rest of her body. If I were Angelina Jolie’s hand, I’d be looking for a new agent.

The real victors of the night were the “Slumdog Millionaire” team. As I predicted, this fantastic British film swept the biggies and if all goes as is deserved, the Oscars should prove as rewarding for the film. If you haven’t seen this film yet, I order you to get down to the local cinema or I’ll personally hunt each and every one of you who don’t and beat you in the face with a toxic silicone sex toy until you resemble The Queens colostomy bag.

Not only does this film prove that us Brits still have a damn good contribution to make to Hollywood (and yes, I know, it is set in Mumbai with an Indian cast but it is technically still a British Film… Plus the protagonist is the geezer out of “Skins”), but it shows that we can make a great film without Hugh Grant having to fill up the screen with his enormous forehead, nor is it necessary to have Judi Dench playing Queen Elizabeth again and again to secure a gong, and most importantly, Kate Winslet did not at any stage have to unleash the girls on us… Thank God.

Another film with a large dollop of British-ness would have to be “Frost/Nixon” for obvious reasons. But Michael Sheens portrayal of David Frost is scarily like his Tony Blair in “The Queen”. Now that’s a weird thought – Richard Nixon being interviewed by Tony Blair. A man who had clearly devoted his entire career to needs of the U.S. Government, who was always to be seen grinning proudly at his ”achievements“ at the Whitehouse and yet was so utterly incompetent he was forced to quit as leader of his country… Interviewing Richard Nixon (Boom-Boom, ah-thank-you).

I suppose I should really mention some of the other more American films that will be fixture this award season, but really can’t be bothered, quite simply, because they’re not that good. Oh go on then, If I must.

The disaster that is “The curious case of Benjamin Button”. I think everyone had high expectations from “Fight-Club” and “Se7ev” director David Fincher’s professional reunion with the other half of Brangelina. Mr Pitt plays a man strangely born into a body of Bobby Robson, with his age reversing as the years go by. We watch as Brad Pitt plays a complete thick-o for virtually all of the film. I’m not sure if this was intentional, as I counted the exact number of different facial expressions used to portray such a complex, uniquely confused character, and the number firmly remains at one.

Mickey Rourke’s portrayal of an aging wrestler earned him a shiny globular ornament, it must have been immensely difficult going from a has-been performer to a has-been performer. The scenes in which he wears no make-up were severely disturbing, for a moment, I was convinced I was watching Geri Halliwell after a bad reaction to collagen injections.

Milk has to be one of the best films up for awards and I tip it for best original screenplay at the Oscars… mainly because all the biggies are adapted and doesn’t have much competition, but also because you get to see James Franco’s bum… and that’s well worth an Oscar on it’s own. Sean Penn, the daddy of actors, has to pick up Best actor. It’s a tough call between him and Rourke, with Penn picking up the award at the Screen Actors Guild Awards. Maybe they could battle it out in the ring, both play characters used to wrestling other men to the ground… Although Penn’s character likes to follow it up with inserting his penis into his opponent’s anus.

Looking towards the Oscars, the nominations closely resemble the Golden globes, with one notable absence. Revolutionary Road from “American Beauty” director Sam Mendez. As I mentioned earlier we see Ms Winslet reunited with Mr Dicaprio, but as I sat there in anticipation waiting for the famous pair to make an entrance, Ms Winslet failed to take her bra off throughout the entire film. Hmmm, I wonder why it’d been ignored at the Oscars (and the Bafta’s which is even more surprising – I was certain us unbiased Brits would have created a “Best film with Kate Winslet’s baps” category).

As I have backstage tickets to the Bafta’s on Sunday the 8^th of February (I know, how flash am I!), I shall report back on all the showbiz gossip and pretend to act shocked when Kate Winslet and her two friends win best actress and “Slumdog Millionaire” wins everything else.