Oh, how to blog such an eventful week on planet earth. Where to begin? North Korea’s happy-go-lucky nuclear testing? Pakistan’s anti-Taliban operations? The abuse scandals in the Catholic church? No, let’s face it; all of these are trifles compared to the real major issue of the moment: Where else could we possibly begin, but with the subject that contiunes to compel the world; possibly one of the most important events of our time, and undoubtedly the most signifcant issue of the moment. An event that, in historic terms, is up there with the defeat of Brutus and Cassius at Phillipi in 42 BC, the execution of Charles I, the rise of Hitler, and the Apollo moon landing. I refer, of course, to the break-up of Peter Andre and Jordan.

Rarely does such a momentous event so divide opinion. Without question, the break-up of this marriage represents a turning point in all our lives, its ramifications far-reaching. Who can predict the effects it may have on our fragile society, not to mention the global economy, and the prospects of peace in the Middle East? It will no doubt go down as one of those defining landmark events of a generation: in years to come we will all ask, where were YOU when Peter Andre and Jordan split up?

One of the literary masters of our day

Peter Andre is, of course, a cultural icon of our age; a troubled musical genius on a par with the Frank Sinatras, Louis Armstrongs, Bob Marleys and Kurt Cobains of our world. A universally celebrated artiste, whose pop masterpiece, ‘Insania’, may be regarded as today’s answer to ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’. Many critics over the years have (I assume) compared Andre’s genius to that of Beethoven and Mozart, and not without just cause. As for Jordan, her extraordinary (pair of) talents are, of course, known the world over; she is a role model for young women all over the country; a perfect embodiment of intellect, grace, eloquence, and, um… exceptional equestrian skills. And who could forget her breathtaking singing abilities? Or her acclaimed book, ‘Being Jordan‘, which was a literary masterpiece that sealed Katie Price’s status as one of the seminal authors of modern literature. At least, I’m guessing so, given how many fucking people bought the book.

So, as we mark the end of the fairytale romance that marks the absolute apex of our society, the very height of our culture, an entire nations asks itself; what are we going to do with ourselves tommorow?

While nowhere near as relevant as the Andre/Jordan saga, there ARE one or two other issues that may warrant just a tiny bit of small print…

Westminster is stewing in the foul-smelling juices of its own corruption; its collective head impaled on a stake in public view, for all to see. And like all heads-on-pikes, it is attracting many flies. And now the flies are… oh, you know, etc. As the expenses scandal rumbles on and Oliver Cromwell is turning in his grave, everyone pretends to be shocked or dismayed. But since when did anyone TRUST our politicians or have any real conviction in them in the first place? Saints don’t run for public office. And if they do, they rapidly lose their saintly qualities once they’re in the door. Politics is and will always be undermined by the dodgier side of human nature. Human nature is notoriously shifty (a possible echo of our Simian ancenstry?), and we all like to save money and get free things.

Eye-witness testimony suggests that Cromwell is, in fact, turning in his grave

The entertaining part of the whole embarassment is to hear a dominoe-line of our middling politicians shrug and say something to the effect of ‘Well, it’s perfectly LEGAL’.

For the record, slapping a squirrel in the face is also perfectly legal, but not very nice.

Clearly, we are at a fork in the road; our elected officials exposed with their pants down and their ethics consigned to the out-tray, the basic integrity of our politics in disrepute. Will there be mass outrage? Anarchy? Revolution. Of course not. We’re far too sensible, boring and pragmatic for all that.

So, in the absence of Guy Faux, what’s to be done about it?

Aside from a few resignations, probably not much. But maybe everyone’s making too big a deal of it anyway. Sure, a multitude of underachieving politicians are spending tax-payer’s money on a few personal amenities, but it could be worse. As dodgy or corrupt governments go, we probably get off pretty light compared to Saudi Arabia, China, Iran, Russia, North Korea, Zimbabwe, or any number of worser-case scenarios.

And yet, for all the fuss and indignation, maybe, just maybe, we’d RATHER our politicians were a bit dodgy and human as opposed to having deeply-held convictions. Deeply held convictions are maybe a bit overrated. The BNP have deeply-held convictions. Hitler had deeply held convictions, and so did the Ayatollah Khomeini, for example.

And, in proof of that fact, we have the BNP, ravenous ‘piss-drinking sons of circus whores’ that they are, not wasting the chance to jump on the bandwagon, attacking Labour and the Conservatives for their corruption and deceit, and promising, of course, that the BNP would never do anything like that. Did anyone actually watch the BNP’s election broadcast? What was he ON about? Only BRITISH people fought for Britain in the wars, and so ‘proper’ British people should come first? What a lot of bollocks. What about the ghurkas? And what about all the people from Commonwealth countries, who contributed to the war? A history lesson from the British Nazi Ponces is an amusing concept in itself, but, as befitting a party of pot-bellied ignoramuses, it has no basis in reality or fact.

So, compared to the alternatives, maybe the expenses-abusing club aren’t so bad. Maybe they’re just like us, or one of our dodgy Uncles. Nothing overly important is going to come of all this anyway, other than the probability that even less people will vote in the elections [which would be business as usual; democracy at its most telling]. Unless there is some kind of reactionary backlash which sees scores of voters turning to the far right. Extremist idealogies traditionally gain their momentum in societies or systems that have been undermined by visible corruption; the historical precedents are there, from Ancient Rome or the French Revolution, right through to modern Iran. If there is a genuinely serious sub-issue of this whole scandal, it’s that.

If there’s one central lesson we can all draw from this scandal, it’s the important ideal: if it’s LEGAL, then it’s alright. Try to remember that, kids.

If there’s two lessons we can draw from it, the second would be to remember that THESE are the same school of politicians and civil servants you’re trusting to handle such significant matters as compulsory I.D cards, anti-terror legislation, and the general well-being of the nation’s citizens. Which is a bit scaryfying.

If there’s supposed to be any cogent point or central theme to everything I’ve written, I’ve completely lost any sense of what it was supposed to be. Um… vote Lib. Dems, maybe? Or become desensitised. Yeah, that’s it – become desensitised. Stop caring. After all, none of this is as important as Peter Andre and Katie Price, let’s remember. Be honest: are you interested in what’s going on in Westminster, or are you more interested in the freak-show conveyor belt that is ‘Britain’s Got (No) Talent’? Exactly. What could be more entertaining than a programme formatted around the systematic abuse of needy, deeply-troubled people and the carefully-choreographed tearing-apart of their misbegotten dreams? We don’t want to watch self-important MPs making scripted apologies for their crookedness; we want to watch fragile people who weren’t prescribed enough prozac being reduced to tears by talentless millionaires and a booing, hissing mass of insensitive hooligans and being denied their life-long dream of performing a middling, second-rate act in front of the royal family. Since when was performing for the Queen any kind of validation for anyone who’s serious about their art anyway? As unintelligent entertainment, it works fine, but we must insist it is renamed ‘Britain’s Got An Excess of People Just About Capable of Sustaining a Career at Butlins, Pontins, or Some Other Holiday Camp’. Or just call it ‘Simon Cowell’s Got Money’.

Elsewhere, new abuse cases come to light within the hallowed confines of the Catholic church in Ireland. Everyone is disgusted. One or two people are also shocked. People are calling for a formal apology from the church. Sorry, but when did a religion ever apologise for anything? There’s a fair bit of apologies to be doled out by the major religions for a fair few things, while we’re at it. The list would take longer to read out than an MP’s expenses file. But not quite as long as the spell-check on BNP documentation.

Actual real-life photo of North Korea's President

North Korea has tested a nuclear weapon. Everyone’s panicking. Shame everyone wasted all that time looking for nonexistent WMD’s in Iraq when North Korea’s insane, population-starving dictator, was having a bring-your-own-warhead WMD pool party down North Korea avenue. But, thankfully, all we need TEAM AMERICA to get their puppet-arses into gear and go sort it out. That’s assuming the North-Korean President is a puppet, like in the movie. He must be. Hollywood never lies.

Pakistan’s war to eliminate the Taliban: a good idea, in principle. A not-very-good idea in practise. Blowing up people’s houses and making refugees of whole communities might not a great way to combat extremism. Pakistan boasts a corrupt military and a famously corrupt government (which puts the expenses scandal in Westminster into context), but isn’t this corruption preferable to the intolerant extremism of the Taliban? If the answer is yes, then we live in a world of having to, by necessity, tolerate corruption and some necessary evils. If the answer is no, then God help us all…