I am writing this from terminal 2 of a local internet café. I don’t know why they call it a café, as the only consumables on site is a fridge stacked with cans of soft drinks and there is a sign stating “CUP TEA ONLY 60.P”, but I doubt whether anyone has ever taken them up on the offer.
It’s really just a shop that sells mobile phone accessories, and has a few PCs for people to use, if they wish to pay £1 per hour for the privilege of staring at the slowest working computer since the 70’s. I’m lucky I’ve managed to type this much without it crashing.

The reason I am in here is because our PC at home has a virus. I know this because I asked my house mate what was wrong with it, and he replied “It’s shat itself”. This is exactly what happened to me when I had a virus too. I spent nearly a week in bed with explosive squits and gut-wrenching nausea. Like the computer, I couldn’t accept new matter going in, and all old matter was ejected from my back up.

To my left is a gentleman watching eastern European music videos on You Tube. He is wearing headphones, but I can hear everything. It’s a bit like I’m waiting for a kebab, but without the reward of a decent feed. To my right is what you may call a “total arse” who seems to be here solely to talk loudly into his mobile about how buff his woman is, her name is Rochelle by the way. I’m really happy for him as you can tell. He is on a mobile, in a phone shop, looking at pictures of mobile phones on the internet. The mind boggles.

Anyway, I’m feeling a little guilty about the amount of time I’ve spent watching feminist documentary videos on Red Tube on my house mates work laptop. If this is the cause of the virus, then he could get into a whole heap of trouble. I have informed him, and he’s cleared the history, but you know what IT people are like. Pony tail, goatee, stubby fingers from spending most of their waking life playing world of war craft. They’ll find out, they’ll know exactly what’s happened.

I kind of wish it was me who had the virus, at least that way I could get some time off work. Think of how much time I could spend on smut sites then!
HJ