I have unfortunately just used the last of our toilet roll supplies. It got to the point where I was tearing off one sheet at a time and folding it in half, using it, then folding it again and using it a second time, I hear you can only fold a piece of paper in half eight times.

I can’t go out and buy more either as I have left my front door key at my brothers, and it would mean I would be locked out. What would be the point in having several new rolls of T.P., but no access to a loo?

We’ve all been there before, it’s not funny or pleasant. It does however force us into ingenious and creative methods to wipe our bottoms. Ideally we would all have a pet swan specifically for this occasion, as the queen does. I’m not sure how you would go about pacifying it before you rub its neck up your crack, surely it would have your eyes out if you just grabbed it and tried to force it towards your business end?

Here are a few methods that I have at some point tried and tested through sheer desperation-

1. Newspaper. Scratchy and ineffective. Not only does it leave most of the mess behind, it also leaves a streak of black ink. The only benefit is that you can soil the face of your least favourite celebrity or politician.

2. The last page of the book that your housemate or partner is currently reading in the bathroom, or “shitterature” as I like to call it. Again this is uncomfortable and doesn’t work very well. Good fun though if you don’t get on with them too well.

3. A jay-cloth from under the sink. Fairly effective actually. Just make sure it’s clean and doesn’t have residues of Ajax or Cillit Bang on it.

4. Your hand. I had to ok? I was in a foreign country and it’s what all the locals did. DO NOT try this unless there are absolutely NO other options. Or unless you’re wearing a glove I suppose.

5. Jump in the shower and have a scrub. Perfect, like a man-size bidet. Only really practical if you’re at home though.

6. The flannel. Yeah, it works fine, but then you can’t flush it, so you have to tie it up in a carrier bag, wait until it’s dark and then put it in the wheelie bin outside. It will then sit in a land fill for hundreds of years before it decomposes, and who wants that on their conscience?

I hope this short list helps you in some way the next time your down and out, and doesn’t make you judge me badly. I’m positive there are far worse options that haven’t occurred to me, yet. And I also hope that I have gone some way to break down this taboo. Next week, STD’s and me!
HJ