The Annual Bin Laden show, Ahmedinihad’s MPD, Paris Hilton’s Exquisite Oratory, Klingon typing, and Saturnian thunder…

Posted under Uncategorized by Sajeel on 25.09.2009

The yearly tradition of Osama Bin Laden releasing a statement to the world in September (usually timed to commemorate 9/11) has, of course, continued; it is fast becoming an institution, like the Queen’s Christmas message. This time he has belatedly spoken out against Barak Obama, denouncing him as being no different from his predecessor George W. Bush in “… promoting policies of fear, to market the interest of big companies.”

All terrorist dimensions aside for just a moment, Mr Bin Laden does occassionally, it seems, offer some germane commentaries on the state of affairs in the world. Just a shame he didn’t become a journalist or a news-programme pannelist, instead of leading an idealogically and mentally redundant organisation of lunatics.

The other point, of course, is that Osama Bin Laden has, in all likelihood, been dead for about eight years now. So whoever it is issuing statements in his name is either a very clever al-Qaeda propagandist or a very pro War on Terror US agency of some kind or another.

Iran’s President Ahmedinijad, meanwhile, is issuing statements of his own, and displaying occasional signs of a personality disorder, speaking apparently pacifistically on some days and entirely hawk-like on others, leaving Western politicians and commentators unsure of whether to be applauding or scowling in condemnation from one moment to the next. They’ve barely finished commending him for his apprently cooperative position on doing away with nuclear weapons when he reverts back to Holocaust-denial and denial of Israel’s right to exist. There are, of course, a great many Holocaust deniers in the world, and their number seems to be swelling; but not many of them are right on the doorstep of the world’s sole Jewish nation with a nuclear arsenal being developed.

Speaking of distinctly uneloquent orators, you KNOW that humanity is passed its sell-by-date when PARIS HILTON makes it into the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations! She joins the likes of Churchill, Confucius, and now Obama, in the volume, which must be getting desperate to find valuable maxims. Cicero and Cromwell must be turning in their graves…

They’ve already had their own dictionaries published, as well as Shakespear translated into their language; and now the Klingons have their own computer keyboards available. Cherry Computers has manufactured the specialised keyboard, available for 44 quid, and featuring keys in Klingon letters. The apparent success of the product means that a Vulcan version may be available soon. Quite how a keyboard with alien keys has any practical usefulness, I don’t know. Even I’m not sad enough to want to buy one. No, I’m waiting for the Cardassian version…

And the weather report from planet Saturn; a mega lightning storm that began in January is still raging on; having been going continuously for almost 240 days now, it is the longest observed thunderstorm in our Solar System. Imagine the downpour. And to think that we fret and moan about the rain in Britain. One thing’s for certain; the slugs and snails on Saturn must be having the time of their lives…

An Eye For An Eye

Posted under Random by Harry on 24.09.2009

Due to the tension headaches that I have been getting recently, from staring at two computer monitors for twelve hour shifts at work, I went to see my doctor. She gave me a prescription for some pain killers and told me to get my eyes tested.

I know that I am short sighted and have worn glasses in the past as and when I need them. I visited the three opticians on my local high street to get prices for an eye test. They charged £25, £20 and £15. Then today I passed a Spec Savers that were doing it for free. After careful consideration, I decided to go for the free option.

So, I went in, gave them my details and arranged an appointment. About half an hour later I received a text from them about an offer they were doing on contact lenses. Another 30 minutes after that, someone actually called me to remind me that I had just made an appointment for an eye test. I told them thanks, but I’m short of sight, not short of memory. I then added that if they bothered me again, then I would complain to their head office.
Although I probably would have walked into Dixy Chicken and said “I wish to see Mr. Specsavers, the employees of your Tottenham Court Road branch have caused me considerable distress!” And the man behind the counter would then have waved his metre long meat knife at me and said “Should’ve gone to Spec Savers!” Then his colleagues would all start laughing. And I would’ve replied, “I DID go to Spec Savers, that’s the fucking problem!”. Then he would have said “Hey, look my frien’ This is a chicken an kebab. If you don’t wanna buy food, then go out, okay?” I would then have bought a chicken shish and walked into the fruit machine, thinking it was a door. Then they would all laugh at me again, and I would have gone home and cried into my polystyrene container of meat and grease.

I’ve just decided not to go to my appointment tomorrow no matter how free it is. I’d rather walk around in a half focussed, hazy world, where train departure boards are a mystery and people look like Francis Bacon paintings until they get within spitting distance. The headaches will soon become a normal part of everyday life, and those bastards at Spec Savers can stick their free eye test right up their (gl)asses!
HJ
speccy

The EDL, Creationist extremism, Obama, Ben Hur, Kanye West, Jordan, and Patrick Swayze…

Posted under News, Random by Sajeel on 18.09.2009

The reality of an eight-year old girl committing suicide by hanging herself is too upsetting a notion to focus on in any comprehending sort of way; so better to focus on something more comfortable and familiar. Racism.

More evidence continues to mount that racial tension may be reemerging as a serious problem, in the present, but more worryingly in the future. And the Muslim community, unsurprisingly, is the main target. Yes, England has a new boogeyman, a new scapegoat; so don’t be surprised if other Nazi-inspired organisations like the EDL pop up in the coming years. Today, it’s those terrible Muslims who’re threatening our wonderful way of life; tommorow, the Sikhs and Hindus. By a quarter-passed it’ll be onto the gypsies, and eventually it’ll be the Jews all over again.

Oh, well; it was a nice little multi-cultural society we were experimenting with, while it lasted (which was all of about fifteen years, give or take a few slip-ups). Back to Ye Olde Englande soon enough. Hurray.

Islamic fundamentalism in the east may be a potent, divisive issue for our times, but Christian fundamentalism in the USA is as potent and divisive as ever. Such has been evident for years, of course, but it comes to the fore again now that a British movie about Darwin and Evolutionism could feasibly be banned in America for being ‘controversial’. It is extraordinary to realise that the most innovating nation of the world, the spearhead of modern twenty-first century society, is still so bound up in medieval dogma and a literal belief in Biblical Creationism that it might be unable to stomach an innocent film concerning an otherwise widely-accepted scientific argument.

Even if you took Biblical Creationism (as in Adam and Eve, the six days, etc) as your prevailing dogma, why would that need to mean boycotting an alternative view; preventing the argument from being expressed? A refusal to even acknowledge alternative positions is the sure sign, of course, of a losing argument.

Sticking with America; former US President Jimmy Carter has this week sparked controversy by suggesting in an interview that increasingly vocal criticism of and opposition to Barak Obama in US politics and the media is based on racism. Some have attacked Mr Carter for his statement, but basic psychological evaluation would suggest that his theory may have merit. People in prevalent positions, who might hold racist views or feelings, aren’t able to express those honestly; instead, they’re forced to couch their antagonism in other terms, under other camouflages. It’s possible that some of what’s happening in terms of Obama opposition may be along those lines. And a figure such as Jimmy Carter would surely not have made such a divisive suggestion unless he believed it have some basis in truth.

‘Basis in truth’ may or may not relate to Katie Price’s latest attention-seeking, money-making, tabloid-blowjobbing claims; this time that she was raped by a major celebrity some years ago. The ‘major celebrity’, of course, hasn’t been named, and PR-savvy Jordan has vowed not to specify. The press, predictably, are subsequently dancing around her like tribal types around a sacrificial pyre. And it’s all so very interesting and important, isn’t it?

After years of preparation, the mammoth live-action production of Ben Hur is coming to London; but animal rights activists are planning to protest the show en masse. Their hearts are in a good place, no doubt, but why didn’t they protest ages ago, when the project was being planned, as opposed to trying to boycott an astronomically-expensive, massively-complex show when it opens? As if a production that took that much work, that many man-hours, to put together, is going to be derailed now. Animal rights aspects aside, the show should be spectacular; possibly even a match for the movie version of the race, and probably as close as we’ll ever come to a live Roman chariot race.  Granted, we’d rather see Mark Antony and his lion-driven chariot, but still…

Ben Hur was probably the greatest epic movie ever made, and certainly one of the best ‘blockbuster’ movies of all time; many strata above the corporate blockbusters of modern cinema, in that it had actually had a genuinely great story, some class performances, brilliant sets, and a soundtrack to die for. It’s a bit difficult to see exactly how the live show will work, given that the race in the movie was pretty violent and very, very dangerous, and ended with the Roman Tribune being killed. But let’s assume this thing’s been thought out. And if I wasn’t a poor, starving, struggling artistic type, I’d be there to see for myself…

If any more proof were needed that self-deified hip-hop ponce Kanye West is the biggest self-worshipping moron in the pop world, it came this week at the MTV awards, where the all-time biggest shafting of one pop star by another (even bigger than Courtney Love gatecrashing Madonna’s interview in 1995) came to pass; the Messianic Kanye West invaded the stage when Taylor Swift was accepting an award and insisted that the award should’ve gone to Bouncy (sorry, I mean Beyonce). Not that I have any idea who Taylor Swift is, but what a class-A a-hole Kanye West has proven himself to be.

And Patrick Swayze may not have been the greatest actor in the business, but he seemed like a jolly decent sort of fellow. And I still think ‘The Outsiders’ was a class movie. So, RIP, Patrick Swayze. And wouldn’t it be nice to think he was greeted by those heavenly twinkly light thingys, like in Ghost…?

999, England’s World Cup, the BBC AND THE BNP, BB Sophie, Derren Brown, the Vera Lynn comeback, special birds and T-Rexes, and mighty Jupiter…

Posted under Celebrity, News, Random by Sajeel on 11.09.2009

The ominous date 9/9/9 has come and gone, and the world didn’t end. Though I’m curious to know if there was any increase in 999 calls that day [there was an accident where  I live; and it WAS around nine in the morning]. But, no, the apocalypse didn’t come; though certain apocalyptic tidbits did come to pass – newborn babies being left abandoned, the BBC considering inviting the BNP to Question Time, Derren Brown using the force to predict the lottery numbers, and Scotland being attacked by the Dutch…

Scotland have probably given up by now on EVER reaching a major football tournament again; but England are set fair for next year’s World Cup, with the nation full of optimism in our chances and confidence in Fabio Capello’s leadership. Mr Capello cannot be questioned as a manager, in terms of his past jobs, and England has a good side, no doubt; but this team is NOT going to win the World Cup. Trouncing the opposition in qualifiers and friendlies is all fine and dandy, but is rendered only a pale memory when we come up second best against the Argentinas and Portugals, as we inevitably always do. The prospects will increase with David Beckham on board, but England just doesn’t have the tournament magic.

But let’s not be grim about that. It could be worse; we could be Scotland, after all. Or Wales. Or Liechtenstein. However, if there IS ever going to be a prime time for England to claim the World Cup, it will be under Fabio Cappello.

[As for the apocalypse, by the way, it's still scheduled for 2012; so you've got three years or so to finish whatever it is you're doing...]

As for the BBC’s pontificating over whether to allow Nick Griffin on Question Time: of course they should. He’s the leader of a legitimate democratic political party, and has every business being given air time alongside representitives of any other legitimate political parties. Let him appear and make a complete tit of himself and his party; that way he and his people won’t be deprived of their rights as a legitimate political entity and the rest of us can see anew how laughable the whole thing is, and everyone goes home happy.

No doubt in response to the murder of Peter Connolly, the government is now talking about introducing new measures to remove endangered children from unfit parents as early as possible. This is one area in which I might be willing to advocate state interference in personal/family matters; there are too many vulnerable children in the hands of dangerous guardians, and where the risk it discernably high of abuses, social workers should be given more power to intervene decisively. What the actual laws will end up specifically being is unclear at present.

It’s nice to see, for the third year in a row, the genuinely nicest contestant of the lot win Big Brother; this year in the form of Sophie what’s-her-name. A nice girl, in every sense, and a logical victor; unlike the inexplicable victory of Ulrika Johnson in the celebrity version earlier this year. Oh well; it’s all over next year anyway. As for who’s going to win The X Factor; am I the only one who doesn’t remotely care? Oh. Apparently, I AM…

Only the Arctic Monkeys were able to keep Dame Vera Lynn off the number one spot in the charts; the ninety-two year old World War 2 veteran (in a manner of speaking) has become the oldest artist to reach as high as No.2 in the charts. But is it purely members of her own generation who’ve been buying her record en masse, or is a younger audience buying into a bona fide voice from history? She’s better than the cast of The X-Factor, Girls Aloud and Katie f**king Mellua anyway…

And how DID Derren Brown predict the winning lottery numbers? It obviously wasn’t magic [he's no David Blaine; and has never claimed to have any precognitive powers]. All will be revealed, apparently, this very evening on C4. I’m going to go with some kind of projector/printer type device that wrote the numbers onto the balls from the unseen angle as BBC1 was announcing them. I’m probably wrong. We’ll see. C4 are also broadcasting some of David Blaine’s newest street magic; which includes, I’m told, a version of the catching-a-bullet-with-your-teeth trick.

And some happy sort of news; a bird, until very recently, regarded as being on the verge of extinction in Britain is making a comeback on our shores, according to the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds; which has recorded the highest number of calls by the male bittern in over a hundred years. Conservation programmes have preserved the heron-like bird from the brink of total wipeout, having been thought close to extinction in the early nineties (and already declared extinct once before; in the eighteen hundreds). By the way, I’m talking about a species of bird, not A bird – that’d just be stupid. Now, if only we could do something about the Dodo…

Speaking of extinction; one of the largest Tyranosaurus Rex skeletons ever recovered is being tipped to sell for over 4 million pounds in an upcoming Las Vegas auction. The extraordinarly well-endowed specimen measures up at 15 by 40 feet. That’s one hell of an addition to someone’s living room decor. All I know is the buyer is not me.

And on the subject of extraordinarily large thing; if you happen to see a remarkably bright star-like object in the night sky [brighter than all the others] at the moment, pay a bit more attention to it than you usually might: you’d be seeing the planet Jupiter. The collossal globe of the chief Roman god, by far the biggest body in our solar system, can be seen as an extremely bright star in the southern sky. It should remain visible for a little while longer, but not much, so catch it while you can…

Just Balance

Posted under Uncategorized by sammy on 9.09.2009

board by: Sammy

High heels, those two words fill me with fear for I can just about balance when wearing my allstars and I’m not even joking.Heels and me are one bad, bad combination as I’m a really clumsy person wearing heels simply contribute towards clumsy related embarrassment. The last time I tested high heels it ended in complete disaster, I tumbled down the stairs in a pub and just for the record I was one hundred percent sober. A delightful visit to the hospital followed, man having X-rays are such a blast! Err-think-not. Its safe to say I have this odd high heel phobea, memories from that fateful night all come flooding back the doctor investigating, ’so how did you do yourself damage then?’  Me eager to bend the truth, yet couldn’t…’I..I fell over in my high heel ankle boots, down the stairs in a pub;I’m sober though you must believe me!’ Since then my feet obviously haven’t tested or had any high heel adventures.

However there’s no escaping (not even for moi) from the current high heel invasion, thanks to the likes of Alexander Mcqueen who let his imagination run wild with chunkychains, spikes, snake skin and tough pyramid studs for his AW 09 shoe collection. Prada has gone full on high heel potty too, with attention grabbing  studded velvet fan detail and Givenchy are also competing in the ‘who can create the most outragous and slut like studded high heel shoe’. Slut, did I say slut? ‘Tis fact fashion designers are encouraging slutish fashion behavior, because thats another issue high heels introduce (especailly when studs, snake skin and chains are involved) the slut factor. If those studded ankle boots are too high and have too much fake snake skin going on, you are risking appearing rather slutish. When infact the style and look you were attempting to achieve was more glam rock chic: high heels require balance in more ways then one. If your a high heel devil and a bit risky why not opt for one of these…

Board by: Sammy

1. Purple suede gold stud detail ankle boots from, Dorothy Perkins, £42

2. Black, strap studded shoes from, Topshop, £75

3. Silver fake snake skin peep toe shoes from, Faith, £75

4. Studded fan style ankle boots from, River Island, £85

Birthday Template

Posted under Events, Uncategorized by Jo Harris-Cooksley on 6.09.2009

It was my birthday on Friday. You’re lucky I got round to writing this, as my room is currently piled high with presents and cards so it’s really quite hard to move around. I’ve taken to just lying in bed all weekend rather than trying to find my way about…it’s just easier that way.

Trying to organise a birthday celebration is a bit like trying to negotiate a a tube journey with a hangover. It’s an effort, pure and simple, and you’ll probably be sick at the end. Every year it’s always a bit of a chore; you want to gather people around you for drinks, singing and mirth, but you don’t want the pressure of finding somewhere good to do it. There’s none for messing about with ticketed events (no one ever bothers to buy in advance), clubs are difficult (queueing, entry, varying music tastes), you don’t want to do something too expensive (umm…credit crunch? Why not), and you want everyone to have a good time. Put simply; events management is not my forte, yet every year I have to give it a go.

This year though I had it down to a fine art. It went like this. I sent a message along the lines of “I am going to be at this pub, at this time. If you want to come down, I’ll see you there” and pretty much crossed my fingers. Feeling ambitious, I booked space for 10 people at a pub close to Great Portland Street tube called The Albany. Then, I waited.

Reserving your own little collection of sofas is free. It’s a nice idea if you prefer the intimacy of a pub to the flashing lights of a poncy bar where most people book an area. The buzzy atmosphere at The Albany means you’re unlikely to get a group seated any other way on a Friday night. Better yet, when you’re finished drinking the bar dry you can hop downstairs to Lowdown At The Albany. There you’ll find comedy nights from Monday to Thursday and live music at the weekends. Having been to one of the comedy nights before, I can thoroughly recommend it. Just don’t sit near the front unless you want to get well and truly mocked. Alternatively, if you’re done with the pub thing then Koko, Proud Galleries and a hoard of other Camden haunts are just a few minutes taxi drive away.

So there you have it: Bums on seats, booze down gullets and feet on dancefloor, and that’s my suggestion for a bloody good effortless birthday in London.

You’ll have to supply your own friends, though.

Chelsea blues, groovy First Ladies, Disney Imperialism, NO-asis, Lost on the Moon, and Final Resting Places…

Posted under Celebrity, Events, News, Random by Sajeel on 4.09.2009

Chelsea are being punished for their improper vetting of a French league footballer; the blues will be unable to sign any new players until 2011. The club is up-in-arms about it. But what’s the big deal? Why does a 215 million pound squad with the likes of Didier Drogba, Deco, Michael Ballack and Michael Essien among its number even NEED to buy anyone else for the next year and a half? It’s a big enough squad, with enough depth and quality to negate any need to further squander Roman Abramovic’s gazillions. Though at least the fans now have a new excuse if Chelsea fail to win the Premiership this season…

Our first ladies and PM’s wives are frankly a bland lot compared to the leading ladies of certain other spots on the globe. Japan’s imminent First Lady, a woman named Miyuki Hatoyama, claims to have been abducted by aliens. She claims in her book that she was taken on an alien craft to the planet Venus two decades ago, while asleep. She also claims to have been on very familiar terms with Tom Cruise in a past life. Now there’s  a First Lady I’d want to hear more about and much more from. And, by the by, there’s nothing outrageous about claiming alien abduction. It’s been happening for a long time, folks…

In one of the strangest marriage prospects since Michael Jackson wedded the daughter of Elvis Presley, this week the massive cultural landmark and legendary entity known as Disney gained ownership of the massive cultural landmark and legendary entity known as Marvel Comics. It brings to mind an image of a whale eating a whale. It is difficult to see anything particularly good about this extraordinary merger; as unquestionably brilliant as Disney’s back catalogue is (well, a lot it, anyway), one can’t help but have nightmare visions of the Little Mermaid popping up in the next X-Men movie or something equally as horrific. Magneto or the mighty Thor showing up in a Mickey Mouse cartoon? Or, worst of all, the cast of High School Musical gatecrashing the next Wolverine flick with one of their soul-destroying, teeth-gnashing routines.

Disney has produced some truly amazing and classic pieces of work, without doubt – some of the greatest motion pictures of all time, in fact – but all its best work was done prior to the 1970s (Jungle Book, Pinnochio, Fantasia, Dumbo, etc), and it’s hard to see what good Disney could do Marvel creatively and artistically; though the financial side of it no doubt has its merits.

Marvel Comics is a cultural icon; for fifty years it has produced the majority of the world’s most popular and lucrative comic-book heroes and lore; everything from X-Men and all its spin-offs, to the likes of the Silver Surfer, Warlock and the Infinity Watch, and the Avengers. Has the comic-book industry fallen on such hard times that this deal was necessary? Given the sheer number of big-screen blockbusters derived from the Marvel melting-pot, one wouldn’t have thought so.

Then again, most of those movies have been pants; so Disney control of Marvel-derived motion pictures might not be that much of a drop in quality. A Disney-style direction for the comic books, however, might be another matter. Although, I’d think it fair to say that the general quality of Marvel Comics has diminished greatly over the passed ten years or so. Like Disney, Marvel’s best days, creatively, are behind it; but, like Disney, its best days commercially might be right now, particularly given the motion-picture franchises. So maybe the merger does make sense, after all.

Speaking of money, India’s first lunar probe, the Chandrayaan-1, has been lost contact with. The probe, designed to map the lunar surface, is feared to be lost for good. Oh well, these things happen; it only cost fifty BILLION pounds. I lost a novelty pen a few days ago, which had cost about three quid – and that pissed me off majorly. I can only imagine the strings of expletives echoing through the halls of India’s space agency at the moment…

Thank heavens Cate Blanchett wasn’t more seriously hurt when a prop radio was thrown at her head whilst she was on stage performing in A Streetcar Named Desire at the Sydney Theatre Company. Without doubt one of the finest actresses in the film industry, Ms Blanchett was treated for her head injuries, but is expected to return to the stage this week.
On the subject of things flying across this stage, Liam Gallagher has quit Oasis. It’s the end of an era. Well, no, not really, actually; it was the end of an era about five eras back. Blur was always the superior force anyway, and they’ve just reformed. Is there some possibility now for Noel Gallagher forging a John Lennon type solo career? And of his brother Liam forging a Paul McCartney type spin-off career too? Probably the answer is no, on both counts.

And Michael Jackson has finally been laid to rest; in Forest Lawn, in Los Angeles; the resting place of, among others, Stan Laurel and Walt Disney. Elizabeth Taylor was in attendance, among others, though the event was broadly kept from being a media circus. God rest his soul. But I still find it very peculiar that it’s taken two and a half months to bury him. The fact that it was a closed casket might also add fuel to the fire of conspiracy theories that Michael Jackson is not actually dead (after all, an open casket wouldn’t have been out of place, and in some ways might even be expected, a’la James Brown’s funeral).

Speaking of burial places, one lucky customer has managed to secure his own final resting place in a crypt directly overlooking Marylin Monroe’s place of eternal rest at Westwood Village Memorial Cemetary in California. The choice death-spot was purchased via eBay for 4.6 billion dollars. God, the stuff you can buy on eBay…

What happened to the retirement?

Posted under Uncategorized by E.V.A.L.I.N on 1.09.2009