KILLING IN THE NAME OF…

Posted under Music, News by Sajeel on 18.12.2009

Viva Facebook and God bless Rage Against the Machine!

RATM are the greatest rap/rock combo in the world and one of the greatest bands, full-stop, of the past twenty years. Joe Bloggs is a karaoke singer from a TV talent show. If RATM make Christmas No.1 with ‘Killing in the Name Of’ (one of the most unchristmasy songs of all time), it will represent a glorious coup for the dying world of real music and a timely black-eye for Emperor Cowell and his empire of brainwashing tedium. It will also be the second most faith-affirming demonstration of the power of the Internet since Obama’s presidential victory.

And yet, even now, we have Cowell and Cheryl Cole coming out and objecting to the Facebook campaign, like disgruntled royalty complaining about the peasants. The pot’s got nothing over the kettle when Simon Cowell has the nerve to come out and compare the RATM Vs Joe Karaoke contest to ‘David and Goliath’ – and actually suggesting that ‘The X-Factor’ is DAVID in the analogy!

Right – so the billionaire mass media mogul and corporate dictator is complaining that his TV-manufactured product is being treated ‘unfairly’ because thousands of people are supporting a hard-working band of proper musicians who’ve worked their trade for sixteen years and built up a proper fanbase? Sounds about right. Seriously, if there was a Nobel Prize for Hypocrisy, then Simon Cowell would be a dead cert. He practically OWNS the music industry in this country; and THAT’S why he’s upset – no dictator is happy when the people mobilise and try to take back some power.

As for Cheryl Cole – a woman who makes Danni Minogue seem prodigiously talented – what business does she have publicly criticising the Facebook campaign? If  I were a talentless piece of eye-candy who’d somehow become filthy rich despite having no merits, I would be a bit more humble about it and just keep quiet, rather than whining about the competition. I’m sorry, but when mega-rich celebrities complain about the actions of real musicians and real music-lovers, I want to reach for the sick bucket.

At a time when musicians and musicianship are being crowded out of the marketplace by this vast corporation of television karaoke, there’s something very satisfying about the prospect of a band as great as Rage Against the Machine scoring a victory for the art over the mass media manipulation and hype. The days seem to be long gone of artists making meteoric impacts, shaking the industry or inciting musical and cultural revolutions (the Bob Dylans, Sex Pistols’, Public Enemy’s and Nirvana’s, etc); and if the X-Factor style of chart dictatorship continues, then such revelatory moments or recordings will be wholly consigned to history. But if ‘Killing in the Name Of’ outsells Mighty Joe Young, then the signs are good that hope is not lost. Rage Against the Machine are the very antithesis of anything the X-Factor might roll off its factory line, and so the choice of both artist and track are entirely fitting.

The dull, dead-eyed automatons churned out by the X-Factor have claimed the Christmas No.1 spot for the passed four years in a row. Let’s all do a favour for music and make Rage Against the Machine this year’s chart-toppers – and it’ll be a Christmas to remember. It’ll also make Jesus very happy. He was well into RATM. He’d also appreciate the somewhat Messianic nature of RATM’s potential sabotage of the corporate machine at this time of year, as Christ was all for revolt.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

The Christmas Doo

Posted under Uncategorized by Harry on 18.12.2009

Last night was the work Christmas party. I only went because the Gallows gig in Watford was cancelled, something about the front man being ill. If I can’t get my teeth knocked out in a mosh pit, I may as well go and risk losing all dignity in front of my managers.

Before I left I was weighing up the odds, my homie was getting a take-away delivered, and it was minus three outside with the prediction being heavy snow. I finally decided I should make the effort to see if I could learn something about the people who I spend every day talking to.

This gathering of freaks took place in our local pub down the road, and by the time I arrived it was absolutely rammed. I said a few hellos, and then shoulder barged my way to the bar and ordered a Broadside, as it turned out, the first of many.

The rest of the night was spent explaining my presence to everyone who I had told that I wouldn’t be able to make it to, poncing fags off people, and the inevitable slagging off of authority figures who were stood just metres away, but were too drunk to hear.

I did what I set out to do, I had a lot to drink, I got really cold, I vented my spleen, and I learned a lot about my colleagues. For example, the quiet young looking girl, who is more insane than eccentric, turned out to be in her mid forties and incredibly intelligent and nice to talk to.

I left before the snow started to get too heavy and stumbled home. I then left a rambling voice mail on an ex-girlfriends phone (sorry Becks!). When I awoke this morning I had my headphones on and my ipod on my lap, my lamp was still on, and there was an unopened can of beer on the table along with an empty Dime bar wrapper. Success!
HJ

Talking to a Brick Wall

Posted under Uncategorized by Harry on 13.12.2009

Another letter I had to send to someone who tried to screw me over. No reply to this one either. I get the impression that they’re not taking me seriously. Maybe I should try to follow it up with a second letter, or a parcel full of excretion.

Dear Mr. J Sainsbury’s

I have been a customer of your moderately overpriced supermarkets for some years now, and have rarely had cause to complain despite the amount of my time and money that you have indirectly absorbed.

However one particular practice that your staff have recently taken on has been causing me considerable distress.

I’m sure a man of your calibre, owning a chain of successful and profitable supermarkets would have at least some kind of understanding of the law. The one particular aspect that I would like to bring to your attention is the legal drinking age in Britain. I’m assuming that this still stands at eighteen as it has done since the invention of alcohol in 1950.

Now, I am over thirty, yet most of the staff in my local Sainsbury’s refuse to serve me alcohol. Why? Because for some reason, you have decided to take the law into your own hands and change the legal age for purchasing alcohol to twenty five, and I do not have any ID. Even in America where the sport of binge drinking does not have any prominent athletes, you can buy a drink of weak, pissy lager at twenty one.

The humiliation and stress that your staff have caused me cannot be rectified. There is nothing that can be done to mend the damage done. This has gone way too far.

Here is what I intend to do. Since you have taken the law into your own hands, then I will do the same. I will be going to my local store this evening where I will help myself to a bountiful supply of my favourite alcoholic beverages. I will then sit on the floor and drink them right there. So that I do not commit theft by leaving the store with your property, I will then wait until I pass urine in the cat litter section. I may then wander around, read a magazine, if I get hungry I may help myself to a pastie or something from your fine deli counter. Likewise, I will then wait until I defecate or vomit before leaving with anything that I have not paid for.

Should this arrangement not be practical with you, please let me know ASAP so that we can arrange alternate methods of compensation.

I await your reply
HJ

Dubai’s Ruin, England’s Walkover, and Amir Khan’s Controversial Claim…

Posted under News by Sajeel on 11.12.2009

In some ways, it’d be a shame if Dubai fell into ruin due to its financial crisis – all those pretty buildings surely need to be kept standing now that they’re there. But, on the other hand, how much natural sympathy does one feel for a glitzy, superficial paradise island, built on virtual slave labour for the gratification of oil tyrants and sports stars to indulge in a billionaire playboy lifestyle? And when are people going to learn not to borrow money and accumulate debts? I owed a hundred quid to a mate once and I paid back within a week, knowing that I didn’t want that debt hanging over my head. I’m guessing Dubai owes a bit more than that, but still…

Still, one wonders what’d happen if our present civilisation collapsed at some point; would some of Dubai’s kazillion dollar monuments become the Coliseum or Parthenon of future generations? Would explorers and archaelogists of the distant future stumble upon that palm-shaped Jumeira Island, or the islands shaped like the World, and wonder, ‘Who built these mysterious constructs, and what for what purpose’?

In any case, all glory is fleeting; and if Dubai might be equatable to a modern day Pompeii… well, we all know what happened to Pompeii. They STILL haven’t finished digging it up.

I’m not a fan of Amir Khan in particular, or of boxing in general, but Khan is spot on when he says that if he were a white man he’d be a superstar. You can frown or complain all you like about that statement, but it is wholly true, even if it was said entirely out of ego.

Speaking of sport, 2010 just might be the year for English football to finally live up to its calibre and its seedings and actually win the World Cup. After what was a god-sent qualifiying group, lo and behold – England’s World Cup first-round group looks like it should be a walkover. USA, Algeria and Slovenia? The gods must be favouring the Capello’s squad right now, and the omens are good.

Which means something’s going to go wrong. Presumably, the easiness of this initial trio of games will settle England into a lax attitude, leaving them entirely unprepared to deal with being torn apart by Argentina or Portugal in the second round. Only David Beckham can save them then…

For the record, I want to go on record even now as predicting that the Ivory Coast or Ghana might end up winning the tournament. Now, if I pop into the bookies and put a quid on either of those sides this early, I’d win… let me see… fifty-five million pounds.

Susan Boyle Is The New Eminem, and Tony Blair Is Not the Anti-Christ…

Posted under Celebrity, Film, Music, News by Sajeel on 4.12.2009

Susan Boyle has the fastest selling debut album of all time in America; a record previously held by Eminem. Some might bemoan her success and cite it as another nail in the coffin of the music industry as any kind of meaningful artistic entity (and I’d usually be one of them); but this time I’m actually not all that bothered. Granted, Simon Cowell’s victory is invariably culture’s loss, but I don’t see how Susan Boyle shifting mega units is any more annoying than Alexandra Burke, Leona Lewis, Cheryl Cole, Hanna Montana, or a hundred other karaoke singers and PR gimicks.

What maybe is a little bit surprising is that America seems to have top-heavied the Boyle bandwagon; the American record-buying public are generally less gimick-oriented and less novelty-inclined than we are in Britain, after all. Evidently, it’s all about the backstory; the Cinderella motif. It sure as hell isn’t about the music. But then nothing coming out of an overhyped karaoke tournament is going to be about the music. It’s entirely hype over substance; that’s what happens when predominately television audiences suddenly invade record stores in time for Christmas.

Someone just as popular in America as Ms Boyle is our former Imperator, Tony Blair. Just a shame he’s not so popular in Europe (or Britain, apparently), as evidenced by his missing out on the Euro Presidency and being shafted by the continent; probably a blessing in disguise – a great many (lonely) conspiracy theorists cite the prospective role of European President as equating with the prophetic figure of the Anti-Christ… and who needs THAT for stigma?

A belated R.I.P to Edward Woodward. ‘The Wicker Man’ may be his most remembered film, but those of us who grew up in the eighties will remember him for the TV series ‘The Equaliser’. Actually, all I can properly remember about the equaliser is the wicked theme tune. Which segways me into another objection: why, by Zeus, has ‘Knight Rider’ been remade? The original is perfectly fine. What is it with film and television producers and this endless procession of remakes and retoolings? Is there no one left with any original ideas, or are there no production companies or commisionning execs willing anymore to put their money and sanction behind proper creative or inventive enterprises?

Practically every other (large-scale) cinematic release is a remake or an adaptation. Where are the writers? Sorry to sound like a grim curmudgeon, but frankly the film, music, and television industries are at their lowest, creatively speaking, that they’ve been in my lifetime. Granted, my lifetime hasn’t been that long; but it’s long enough that I remember far better days.

PS: ‘Terminator: Salvation’ is (soiled) pants.