My bag was on the floor in my brothers flat, I had it open as I had just taken over his Christmas present that had recently arrived from Amazon.
I was flicking through a book, not paying much attention, and Sam was watching something on TV.
I did see his eighteen month old son Obi rooting around in my satchel, but after a quick evaluation I decided there was nothing in there that he could hurt himself or others with. My can of pepper spray had recently ran out.

He went in the front pocket, removed my emergency nugget (sterling, not chicken), and handed it to my brother. He then took out my keys and walked around the room using them as a percussion instrument to keep the beat of whatever demented drummer it is he dances to.

Around three minutes later I stood up, and bade farewells as I had a friends gig to attend. I wasn’t entirely surprised that Obi hadn’t put my keys back where he found them, what did surprise me was his amazing skill at making things disappear.
They were not on the floor, they were not in his heap of toys, and they were not under any furniture.

Apparently, my keys are not the first set that he has skilfully evaporated, it is a trick that he does whenever the opportunity presents itself. David Blaine would be amazed, I’m sure he’ll have an amazing career as a car thief in the future.
“Obi, KEYS, where are the KEYS? KEYS OBI, K.E.Y.S?” I said. He grinned his toothless grin, laughed and clapped his hands. “No no no, THE KEEEEYYYYYSSSSSS, Where the fuck are they?” I pressed. “Ooooh! Gook, osis?” he replied. Maybe they’re on his person I thought. I frisked him down bouncer style, nothing there. “Raaaghsitsits” he told me.

Baffled, we gave up the search, or game, depending on your age. I had to get going. “They’re bound to turn up” I said. “You’ll never see them again” replied my brother. I can only assume he swallowed them.

The worst thing is that they were security protected, so I can’t even get another one cut. I’ve told the land lady the situation, but its gong to take another week to order a set at great expense. I’ve been assured that some of Obi’s toys will be sold to reimburse me. Meanwhile my housemate and I are sharing one solitary key and keeping it under the door mat (how very original!).
Every day when I get home, I have to wait until there is nobody around, before lifting the shit covered coconut mat and hoping that it is still there, along with all our electrical equipment and valuables.

Thanks Obi, as soon as you decide to start talking you are telling me where they are, and then I want to know how to do that trick, it’s truly mind boggling.
HJ