Just when you thought that enduring mainstay of American popular culture, David Letterman, couldn’t get anymore likeable, the elder statesman of talkshow television finds himself thrust into the limelight amid a controversy that, for a man of his age, is frankly to be envied. And from which he appears to have emerged more or less unscathed.

The egg seems to be firmly on the face of whoever the idiot was who thought that the idea of Letterman having had affairs with women in his staff was sufficient fodder for bribery. So, keeping in character, Mr Letterman, instead of being lured into that dirty game, announced his saucy liaisons to the world on his prime-time TV show, refusing to be toyed with. And a nation applauds (well, maybe not the ENTIRE nation; it’s a fair bet that some folk down south were aggressively frowning with great Bible-stroking disapproval). Letterman is surely to be congratulated for his handling of the situation, where so many others in his position might’ve been drawn the other way.

So, kudos to Letterman; whose show stands up as a rarity in American television… as in, it’s always been quite good. And who could forget Drew Barrymore’s melon-flashing table dance?

That premier icon of American capitalist might and child-obesifying sub-victuals known as MacDonalds is causing outrage in France, on account of one of its fine eateries being opened in the Louvre (shock horror). Snooty (probably justifiably, this time) French commentators are flaring their nostrils in disgust at the notion of a cultural heritage being defiled by the presence of the world’s foremost fast-food purveyor. Snide comments about the Mona Lisa having to compete with the “odours” of Big Macs and Happy Meals abound. As if the French didn’t dislike America enough already…

The Michael Jackson docu-movie, ‘This Is It’ (surely the fastest-compiled cinematic release in history) is due out later this month, and is being tipped to be the highest grossing movie of all time. With no slight at all intended against Michael Jackson himself, the idea of a documentary of concert rehearals (which, profit factors aside, could’ve just as easily been released straight to TV or DVD) eclipsing actual motion pictures for that accolade doesn’t sit right. Not that some of the previous items of depravity that held the title were anything to celebrate (Titanic, Harry Potter, Transformers, etc). But the whole thing is quite brazenly a massive cash-in on someone’s death and exploitation of hungry fans and fake, U-turning hangers-on (”Oh, we ALWAYS loved Michael Jackson; we stuck by him through all the bad times”, etc) and little more.

Of course, if Michael Jackson was still here, he’d probably be delighted by his revived earning potential. He’d also be very pleased that his dear friend, the god-like Liz Taylor, has come out of her heart surgery successfully. The Hollywood mega-legend (from those bygone days when the word ’star’ actually meant something), now aged 77, has reported just today on her twitter page that she’s in good shape, even going so far as to say she feels like she’s been given a whole new heart.

A whole new heart, with hindsight, might’ve done wonders for her friend, Michael…

Presumably everyone by now has seen the artist’s impression doing the rounds, claiming to depict an alien being  wandering the streets of Winchester? You haven’t? [Sigh] Stop watching ‘The X-Factor’ and start paying attention to the REAL news – this is serious business, people. And the sexy alien was witnessed by no less a credible observer than a Lib Dem Councillor. A Mr Adrian Hicks, a Lib Dem Councillor for Winchester, claims to have seen the female extra-terrestrial shuffling down the high street, donning an elaborate ballet outfit, twirling her hands and laughing to herself. The ET, which had oval-shaped eyes and appeared to wear a blonde wig, “seemed to be enjoying herself.” Other passers-by are alleged to have witnessed the spectacle, but have been unwilling to formally report it. Mr Hicks has linked the sighting to alleged UFO activity around a nearby military base, citing Winchester as the “UFO capital of Europe”. The beguiling species of womanhood depicted in the artist’s sketch seems to be a cross between the pop star Rihanna and a classic Whitley Strieber-esque grey alien.

I’ve heard and read a great many UFO and ET stories in my time (a fair bit more than is probably healthy, it must be said); but none quite so baffling as this one, particularly due to the sheer incidentalness of it. Unless the whole thing is a Lib Dem conspiracy to win votes; ‘it was one of OUR guys the alien revealed herself to, not the Tories or Labour,’ etc. Yes, actually, that’s probably the most credible explanation.

Sticking with the paranormal, but shifting our radar to the West Midlands; a shop specialising in school uniforms has recently been plagued by poltergeist activity. Clothes and merchandise are said to have been mysteriously moved about and thrown around on its premises. Promptly, a Catholic Priest and a psychic detective were called in to perform an exorcism. The subsequent lack of anomalous phenomena indicates that the exorcism was successful.

As a more serious aside, one has to wonder why these kinds of stories – alien sightings by credible witnesses, poltergeist activity, etc – are not more widely reported in the media. Given that these things actually do happen (and in many cases can be attested to by multiple witnesses), surely they warrant some attention and discussion, being of great significance as scientific anomalies and as gaping holes in the status quo of prevailing beliefs about the nature of our reality? What could be more engaging or relevant than that? Hoaxes or reports of dubious credibility can easily be put aside, while those worth serious consideration could be more earnestly given coverage? So, why not? Surely it’s of more interest to the nation than Peter Andre and Katie Price and Strictly Come Dancing (and Paki Bashing)? Now, seriously, do you want to hear more endless, tedious stories about z-list celebrities, or do you want to hear more about a tipsy extra-terrestrial stunner wandering Winchester’s shopping streets?

Speaking of unwanted intruders, the original Darth Vader and children’s road safety guru, the actor David Prowse, recently got more trouble than warranted when the set of a new movie he is involved in was raided by Staffodhsire police; due to nosy, tight-arsed neighbours thinking that a porn film was being shot. The bungalow in Newhall, Staffodshire, was the setting for the movie due out later this year – which is most certainly not a porn movie, thank you very much. Reports that Mr Prowse force-choked the police officers in anger, or that the uppitty neighbours in question were found the next morning with lightsaber burns, remain entirely unsubstantiated. As are rumours that everything David Prowse ever says is mysteriously dubbed over by the voice of James Earl Jones.

Though the idea of a Darth Vader porn movie is intriguingly rich in potential, it has to be said. In fact, I now can’t stop thinking about the possibilities…

From a galaxy far far away… to a Galaxy in Los Angeles (man, I’m getting so f*****g good at these segways…]. LA Galaxy is demanding that its star asset David Beckham makes a decision about where his future lies. The club paid seventy-billion kazillion dollars for the former England Captain, only for him to subsequently flee to AC Milan in Serie A, where he kicked ball with the likes of Ronaldinho and Kaka. Beckham’s move to Major League Soccer was, with hindsight, clearly a misjudgement professionally, though sure as hell not financially.

Had he known he’d be recalled to the England squad (one of Steve McClaren’s many well-attested blunders was dropping Beckham in the first place; when it was clear to all that the England squad without Beckham was frankly shit), he’d have almost certainly stayed in Europe. But, given the ludicrous amount of money the Galaxy doled out for his allegience, isn’t Beckham honour-bound to see out his agreed contract?

But, should he do so, would he still be considered viable for England’s World Cup campaign in South Africa next year What a terrible dilemma. Not since Brutus and Cicero had to choose between Caesar and Pompey has so public a hero faced so difficult a choice. Okay, I’ve been waiting a whole week to say this line; The fate of the Galaxy may rest in the hands of David Beckham…