The British Empires Lives! Plus Cheating Sports Stars, and Dull BRITS…

Anyone who thought the British Empire was consigned to the pages of history was mistaken, apparently; Britannia is alive and well and still ruling the waves, all the way to Argentina. As if one meaningless war (the Falklands) wasn’t enough, a new conflict is now arising over those same islands. Islands, which, in any sane world, would legitimately belong to Argentina, but which we seem hell-bent on holding on to – especially now that there’s OIL to be extracted. Whilst armed conflict seems unlikely this time around, Argentine leaders have been soliciting UN intervention against British Imperial interests, and the whole thing is looking suspiciously like an international ‘incident’ in the making. The question is – whose face will have the egg dripping off it?

Good money would be on Britain crushing all resistance and holding on to its asset. Argentina, however, will then exact revenge in South Africa by knocking England out of the World Cup in the quarter finals. The last laugh will be with Maradona as he gives John Terry and co the finger.

Between John Terry, Ashley Cole, and Tiger Woods, 2010 is shaping up to be a big year for sports stars being unfaithful to their significant others. Of course, EVERY year is probably a big year for sports stars being unfaithful to their significant others; the only difference is Woods and Terry have been caught. Why does anyone actually care? Why has Ashley and Cheryl Cole’s split made front page headlines all over the country (even the Guardian went with it)? Why was Tiger Woods coaxed into making a public apology? What business is it of ours?

And does John Terry’s extra-marital hobbies have ANY bearing on his ability to captain the England team in the World Cup? In any case, Terry should consider himself lucky he was only getting jiggy with Wayne Bridge’s lady and not Didier Drogba’s; one can only imagine what the deadly Drogba would’ve DONE to him…

The BRIT awards came and went, with nothing much happening, as usual. While Lady Gaga and Jay-Z managed to bring some degree of class to the whole tedious affair, the rest of it was a mind-numbing account of another dull and soulless year in the British music industry…

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Running Joke

Wow, what a great weekend I’ve had. Do you want to know what I did yesterday? I got up after midday, and I ate some marmite on toast. Then we ordered a pizza and spent several hours boxing each other into unconsciousness on the PS3. I then went to a pub and drank several pints of ale and ate a burger, before going to another pub and drinking some more beer. I then decided I was too fantastic to use buses, and got a cab driver to take me to my front door. When I got in I finished off the last of my cold pizza and collapsed in bed with grease under my finger nails and spent all night farting, burping and snoring like some kind of farm animal with a curly tail.

Although I consider this to be an amazingly successful day, I’ve been thinking of various ways that I can be less like some kind of farm animal with a curly tail.
In some kind of a mist of bravado and good intentions, I have done something really stupid, I have just entered myself for the British 10k London run.

I was never very enthusiastic about PE at school. When we were forced to do cross country running I used to think that all the guys who took it seriously, and tried to win, or beat their last personal best were complete idiots. I’d be walking laps at the back with the asthmatics, under-age smokers and over-eaters. The thing was, I never actually got on with any of them, so as soon as school was back in sight, I’d leg it back to the changing rooms to make it look like I’d at least tried to run some of it, and to dodge coming in last.

Since I started running recreationally about two years ago, I’ve found that it is the sport for me. You don’t have to make a tit out of yourself in front of your team, you can do it all by yourself, a bit like a catholic in confession I suppose.

It doesn’t take place until mid July, so I’ve got about five months to prepare myself. I will be doing this by adhering to a strict regime of not eating pizzas and burgers too much, and walking up the left hand side of escalators. Even the really long ones like in Angel station.

I also have a secret tactic to increase my speed. The day prior to the race, I’m going to smear my entire surface area with Veet hair removal cream, and then scrape every bit of ginger from my body, even my eyelashes. Then, I’ll don a spandex vest and a pair of Speedos to run in. This will decrease my weight, and make me super stream lined. Finally, on the starting line, I’m going to secretly rub Deep Heat onto my scrotum. This will either make me run REALLY fast, or just make my face and head turn burgundy and make me scream a lot. Either way it will have the desired effect of making other runners step aside to let me through.

If any of you would like to come along and heckle me whilst drinking a McDonald’s milk shake, and then laugh at me laying in a broken heap in the road at the finish line, please feel free. Alternatively you could actually join me so that I’ve got someone to shout at, “Wait, I’ve got a stitch, come back, Please don’t leave me here. I’m dying, somebody get me some oxygen and a 15” quatro fromagio!”
HJ

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The Dark Night

There were still tickets on the website the day before the gig luckily, so I didn’t end up being ripped off by a tout after all. Gallows were playing a charity gig in their home town of Watford and I intended to be there.

I’ve never been to Watford before, and now I know why, it’s fucking miles away. In total, it took me two hours to get there, and that was using our world famous underground tube railway subway line thingy, I could have flown to Spain. When I got there it was snowing, I asked a staff member where I was, in case I had accidentally gone to Glasgow, and then checked what time the last horse and carriage back to civilisation was.

Upon arrival, I collected my ticket and got frisked by a doorman, who didn’t ask me to empty any pockets, thus completely defeating the object of being checked. Good job too, as I was packing heat.

I then put my coat in the cloak room, got a beer and stood at the entrance to meet my mate. The crowd contained a few old rockers, but mainly consisted of people ten years younger than me in a uniform of checked shirts and skinny jeans. It was a bit like a gay lumberjacks convention, I looked down at my own checked shirt and skinny jeans and hated myself for being such a conformist, then made a mental note to cause serious bodily harm to as many of them as possible later on. Obviously there was at least one person wearing a gallows tee-shirt, “Gosh! You like gallows? What a coincidence, so do I, that’s why I paid £14 to get in you fucking dick-shit.”

Nobody really gave shit about the support group, and I couldn’t tell you their name. When gallows came on there was a sudden and unexpected surge to the stage. My full pint of beer immediately got punched out of my hand, and the bar had just closed, so I pushed my way to the front to harm some children, but they were being quite reserved and watching from the back. About half way through I realised that my phone was missing, I checked the floor, but if I got my hands too low I’d end up like the action man I had as a kid, I chewed its hands up so much it was too arthritic to hold its Kalashnikov.

After the gig was over, my friend came to me and handed me my phone he had found, although he had lost his own. He also gave me a spare battery cover that he thought was mine. It didn’t really make a great deal of difference as one was broken, and the other was bent, at least I had the phone.

I’d missed the tube, so I got myself to the train station and waited, and waited, and waited, and then… nothing. I was chatting to another guy who just came from the gig, he told me to look him up on face book under the name Velcro Bear, this made me think of him entirely covered in a thick coat of pubes, I won’t be adding him to my friends. We waited, and waited, and waited. Eventually a train did arrive to take us to Euston, where I then had the pleasure of waiting for a night bus home. Eventually I got in at some time around 3am. Great gig, hellish journey.

This morning I awoke laying on my back, I can never sleep on my back so I knew I was in some sort of trouble. My teeth all seemed to be there, and I wasn’t wearing a cast anywhere, so I attempted to get up, but it took a while as everything hurt. I tried to say “oouch” but made a noise like a frog being stepped on. There was a bruise exactly the same size and colour as a mouldy lemon on my left bicep. The only way I knew I had not had a mouldy lemon tattooed on my arm was because there was two more on my back. I feel slightly better now, but can’t turn my neck properly and find it hard to get up from the sofa. This must be what elderly people feel like every day.

Important lessons learned:

1. Don’t go to Watford.
2. Don’t take anything valuable to a punk gig.
3. Stop dressing like a child.
4. Never associate with anyone who calls themselves Velcro Bear.
5. NEVER EVER GO TO WATFORD.
HJ

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Access Denied

My bag was on the floor in my brothers flat, I had it open as I had just taken over his Christmas present that had recently arrived from Amazon.
I was flicking through a book, not paying much attention, and Sam was watching something on TV.
I did see his eighteen month old son Obi rooting around in my satchel, but after a quick evaluation I decided there was nothing in there that he could hurt himself or others with. My can of pepper spray had recently ran out.

He went in the front pocket, removed my emergency nugget (sterling, not chicken), and handed it to my brother. He then took out my keys and walked around the room using them as a percussion instrument to keep the beat of whatever demented drummer it is he dances to.

Around three minutes later I stood up, and bade farewells as I had a friends gig to attend. I wasn’t entirely surprised that Obi hadn’t put my keys back where he found them, what did surprise me was his amazing skill at making things disappear.
They were not on the floor, they were not in his heap of toys, and they were not under any furniture.

Apparently, my keys are not the first set that he has skilfully evaporated, it is a trick that he does whenever the opportunity presents itself. David Blaine would be amazed, I’m sure he’ll have an amazing career as a car thief in the future.
“Obi, KEYS, where are the KEYS? KEYS OBI, K.E.Y.S?” I said. He grinned his toothless grin, laughed and clapped his hands. “No no no, THE KEEEEYYYYYSSSSSS, Where the fuck are they?” I pressed. “Ooooh! Gook, osis?” he replied. Maybe they’re on his person I thought. I frisked him down bouncer style, nothing there. “Raaaghsitsits” he told me.

Baffled, we gave up the search, or game, depending on your age. I had to get going. “They’re bound to turn up” I said. “You’ll never see them again” replied my brother. I can only assume he swallowed them.

The worst thing is that they were security protected, so I can’t even get another one cut. I’ve told the land lady the situation, but its gong to take another week to order a set at great expense. I’ve been assured that some of Obi’s toys will be sold to reimburse me. Meanwhile my housemate and I are sharing one solitary key and keeping it under the door mat (how very original!).
Every day when I get home, I have to wait until there is nobody around, before lifting the shit covered coconut mat and hoping that it is still there, along with all our electrical equipment and valuables.

Thanks Obi, as soon as you decide to start talking you are telling me where they are, and then I want to know how to do that trick, it’s truly mind boggling.
HJ

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Powder To The People

Yay! It’s snowing! Let’s all go oust side and behave like five year olds!. The schools are closed, and there’s no public transport, and that means no work for many of us.

This is the only time when it is perfectly acceptable to launch missile attacks on passing vehicles and strangers, ESPECIALY if they are female, less chance of getting your teeth punched in that way.

You can tell Aussies and South Africans a mile off.
They’re generally the ones taking photos of everything and grinning, like they’re at a free-beer barbeque. The ones strutting around in tee-shirts are Polish, at least they’re not taking the day off!

We all know about the classic snow time activities- snow men, sledging, snow ball fights, snow angels etc. Here are a few alternative ways to enjoy the white stuff.

1.
Find a fresh dog turd, and very carefully build a pointed cone of snow around it, then hide and wait for a child to jump on it.

2.
Whisky Snow Balls.
Take a tumbler. ½ fill with whisky, make a snow ball, drop into tumbler. Hey-presto, hedonistic slush puppies for everyone!

3.
Golden Rings.
Stand in a grassy area full of fresh snow, extract penis, commence urination, spin around until you’r surrounded by a yellow circle.

4.
Naked Snow Angels.
Ah! I’m ashamed to say that we actually did this once, whilst high on whisky snow balls. It seemed like such a good idea. Just make sure that there’s no-one around with a video camera and a facebook account,

5.
Stay at home and crank the heating up to eleven. Who wants a broken coccyx bone anyway?
HJ
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The Christmas Doo

Last night was the work Christmas party. I only went because the Gallows gig in Watford was cancelled, something about the front man being ill. If I can’t get my teeth knocked out in a mosh pit, I may as well go and risk losing all dignity in front of my managers.

Before I left I was weighing up the odds, my homie was getting a take-away delivered, and it was minus three outside with the prediction being heavy snow. I finally decided I should make the effort to see if I could learn something about the people who I spend every day talking to.

This gathering of freaks took place in our local pub down the road, and by the time I arrived it was absolutely rammed. I said a few hellos, and then shoulder barged my way to the bar and ordered a Broadside, as it turned out, the first of many.

The rest of the night was spent explaining my presence to everyone who I had told that I wouldn’t be able to make it to, poncing fags off people, and the inevitable slagging off of authority figures who were stood just metres away, but were too drunk to hear.

I did what I set out to do, I had a lot to drink, I got really cold, I vented my spleen, and I learned a lot about my colleagues. For example, the quiet young looking girl, who is more insane than eccentric, turned out to be in her mid forties and incredibly intelligent and nice to talk to.

I left before the snow started to get too heavy and stumbled home. I then left a rambling voice mail on an ex-girlfriends phone (sorry Becks!). When I awoke this morning I had my headphones on and my ipod on my lap, my lamp was still on, and there was an unopened can of beer on the table along with an empty Dime bar wrapper. Success!
HJ

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Talking to a Brick Wall

Another letter I had to send to someone who tried to screw me over. No reply to this one either. I get the impression that they’re not taking me seriously. Maybe I should try to follow it up with a second letter, or a parcel full of excretion.

Dear Mr. J Sainsbury’s

I have been a customer of your moderately overpriced supermarkets for some years now, and have rarely had cause to complain despite the amount of my time and money that you have indirectly absorbed.

However one particular practice that your staff have recently taken on has been causing me considerable distress.

I’m sure a man of your calibre, owning a chain of successful and profitable supermarkets would have at least some kind of understanding of the law. The one particular aspect that I would like to bring to your attention is the legal drinking age in Britain. I’m assuming that this still stands at eighteen as it has done since the invention of alcohol in 1950.

Now, I am over thirty, yet most of the staff in my local Sainsbury’s refuse to serve me alcohol. Why? Because for some reason, you have decided to take the law into your own hands and change the legal age for purchasing alcohol to twenty five, and I do not have any ID. Even in America where the sport of binge drinking does not have any prominent athletes, you can buy a drink of weak, pissy lager at twenty one.

The humiliation and stress that your staff have caused me cannot be rectified. There is nothing that can be done to mend the damage done. This has gone way too far.

Here is what I intend to do. Since you have taken the law into your own hands, then I will do the same. I will be going to my local store this evening where I will help myself to a bountiful supply of my favourite alcoholic beverages. I will then sit on the floor and drink them right there. So that I do not commit theft by leaving the store with your property, I will then wait until I pass urine in the cat litter section. I may then wander around, read a magazine, if I get hungry I may help myself to a pastie or something from your fine deli counter. Likewise, I will then wait until I defecate or vomit before leaving with anything that I have not paid for.

Should this arrangement not be practical with you, please let me know ASAP so that we can arrange alternate methods of compensation.

I await your reply
HJ

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We Really Need to Talk About Kevin

He’s back. I saw him yesterday exiting the recycling bin. I was under the impression that we’d reached a truce, apparently I was, wrong.

I pulled a few boxes out from under my bed and searched for the mouse trap, but it wasn’t there. He’d hidden it, the sly little bastard.

He’s grown as well, he’s bigger, stronger and more intelligent than ever before. I thought it was an otter at first, but when it turned and looked me in the eye there was no doubt in my mind that Kevin had come back to finish me off. We have a turbulent history, and it has got to a stage now where it has to stop, it really is me or him.

Mouse traps seem to have changed, you shouldn’t mess with a design classic, but that’s what they’ve done. It’s all black plastic and random bars now. Still, as long as they execute rodents, hey… There’s an army surplus shop near me that also stock hunting and fishing gear. I’m not entirely sure which of these categories samurai swords fall under, but there must be a market for them in East London. Finally decided to stick with the trap.

Night One.

I baited the trap with a chunk of one of Liams biscuits, put it beside the washing machine and screamed “TIME FOR DESSERT YOU FURRY FUCK!” before retiring to bed.
On inspection in the morning it appears that Kevin managed to feast on short bread without setting off the “new and improved” mouse trap. Although it could have been Liam.

Night Two.

This time I used a smaller piece of bait from the tip of my bacon and cheese crassoint, and I pushed it further back, so that Kevin would have to really get in there. I then screamed “HERE’S SOME LOVELY FRENCH FOOD FOR YOU ARSE HOLE!” before retiring to bed.
During the night however, he once again managed to outsmart me and get another free meal without tripping the death mechanism.

Night three.

My tactics needed to be revised. I set the trap in the same place, but stuck a blob of moist peanut butter right in the middle of the platform. I then screamed “BREAKFAST’S READY YOU THIEVING SHIT BAG!” before retiring to bed.
I was just dropping off to sleep when I heard him scuttling about in my goddamn room! Now, I don’t keep any food whatsoever in there, so he was obviously just taking the piss and showing off. I tried to ignore him and go to sleep, I really tried, but I couldn’t rest with him in the same room. And the noise was getting more and more regular. I eventually reasoned that Che never won his battles by going to sleep, and turned the light on.
What I saw was the tail and rear legs of a mouse jammed under the door, trying to free itself. I sat and thought about the best way to deal with this, and then plucked him out by his tail and headed for the front door. It turned out not to be Kevin as it was much smaller, probably his sidekick. Fortunately there was nobody out on the street at that time, or they would have seen me stepping out in my superman briefs and a wife-beater vest with a live mouse in my hand. I threw it like a cricket ball and watched it bounce and run off somewhere.

I then went back to bed, but was pretty pumped up with adrenaline so didn’t sleep too well.
In the morning I was even more surprised to see that the REAL Kevin was attached to the mouse trap with his skull caved in and a surprised look on his little face.

Should any of you wish to pay your respects, you will find him buried in my back garden, six feet deep. The hole is filled in with concrete, and on top sits a brass plaque that reads “DANCE HERE”.
HJ

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Halloween, Guy Faux, Michael Jackson’s This Is It, Victimised Goths, and Farcical Afghan Elections…

Halloween has come and gone, and Bonfire Night is imminent. I will never entirely understand our fascination with blowing things up in the sky and gleefully pointing at all the colours. When all the smoke and fire has cleared, you’re left standing around in the cold, wondering how it was worth the money and bother. And if you’ve got dogs, it’s a nightmare; every November 31st it’s like the apocalypse has come, as far as our canine friends are concerned. Every explosion, every bang, presages imminent doom. Babies, as it happens, aren’t too thrilled with it either.

And why must we yearly celebrate the capture and torturous murder of that Guy Faux fella, when all he was trying to do was blow up a corrupt Parliament? Um, I think I’d better leave it there…

Halloween, on the other hand, I’ve warmed to belatedly. For all the cynical scoffing at our inheriting of an American commercial tradition, this passed Halloween night was actually alright, round my neck of the woods. There were no feral teenagers pelting doors with eggs or smashing up cars wearing Scream masks. But there were a handful of really sweet children, aged between about four and ten, knocking on doors and indulging in trick-or-treating of the less monstrous variety. It actually felt like an echo of a more innocent day, if there is any such thing; a brief window of innocuous and good-spirited festivity for the benefit of children, in defiance of all the ill signs of the times. Parents allowing their children to trick-or-treat their neighbourhoods, unconcerned that every other resident might be a paedophile or terrorist waiting to snatch their sweet-seeking visitors; and kids, in the meantime, perfectly able to do their business all polite and courteous, without resorting toswearing, threats or egg-pelting.

Or maybe it was just our neighbourhood; maybe these specific children in this specific area have just been well-raised and taught politeness and courtesy. Maybe everywhere else the car-alarms were going off, windows were being smashed, and the dark side was in full dominion.

But it made me think how ill a society must be in which community spirit is non-existent and the innocent observance of inoffensive traditions is almost entirely being consigned to the past; and in which children are generally considered to be unsafe, their freedoms thus curtailed more and more.

It’s just a shame that we forgot what night it was, and therefore were sorely lacking in the sweets department. The five year-old girl in the witch costume was NOT overly impressed with the custard-creams and Wotsits, it has to be said.

And, while we’re on the subject, we should bring back Christmas carolling too.

Sticking with Messianic-based commercialism, I can report that the Michael Jackson movie, ‘This Is It’, is not the purely cynical cash-in that I thought it was going to be. The film is actually a compelling experience on several fronts, sometimes moving. What’ll really strike you is how good Michael Jackson’s vocals still were at this point; his voice hadn’t diminished or weakened at all. Watching him reviving songs like the thirty-year-old ‘Human Nature’, the nineties-era ‘Jam’, orthe forty-year-old Jackson Five classic ‘I Want You Back’, he sounded just like he did ten, twenty, thirty years ago. It’s also fascinating to see the preparation that was going into his London performances, the sheer scale of it, and all the new ideas and concepts that were being incorporated (new footage to ‘Thriller’ and even new words for the Vincent Price bit, new film footage for ‘Earth Song’, and new black-and-white movie montages for ‘Smooth Criminal’, including Michael Jackson being put into the classic Rita Hayworth glove-strip sequence from ‘Gilda’).

A testament to what might’ve been, and was going to be. And to a creative genius who thoroughly deserves the accolade of being the greatest performer of all time; there certainly have been better musicians, better songwriters, and even better singers, than Jackson over the years, but there is no one who could outperform him or put on a better show. And no, he doesn’t look weak or unwell at any point during these recordings.

What also came across very strongly in the footage was the deconstruction of decades of media villainisation and mythmaking and the previously unexposed reality of Michael Jackson as a well-meaning, gentle-spirited individual, shy and maybe sometimes a bit awkward, but appreciative of his crew and colleagues and entirely courteous in his behaviour (I lose count of how many times he says “God bless you” to people). And also of the consummate proffesional, with a clear vision for every element of his show. Poignantly, he also comes across as being genuinely excited about his comeback, about performing on stage again and getting back to his real platform as an entertainer and performer, not his over-publicised life as some weird millionaire recluse or celebrity frankenstein. This enthusiasm becomes child-like at times, but is never anything less than endearing, particularly watching him return to old favourites like ‘Wanna Be Starting Something’ and ‘Man In the Mirror’.

Whether future posthomous releases of whatever kind are on the horizon or not, this particular collection of footage acts as a fitting tribute to a performance master, and a bittersweet document of his last days.

That renowned spirit medium, Derek Akora, meanwhile, is imminently to try to make contact with the spirit of MJ in the afterlife. Frankly, one wonders why it’s been left for so long; some medium or another has usually made contact with the departed celebrity within mere  weeks of their demise (as I recall, just a few months ago, Jade Goody was channelled by some obscure medium within about a fortnight of her passing away). Here’s to hoping that Michael Jackson will inform Mr Akora that he has embarked on a whirlwind love affair with Anna Nicole Smith, jammed with Louis Armstrong on heavenly marijuana, and been to dinner with Gandhi, Jesus, Malcolm-X, and Cicero…

All evidence suggests that Afghanistan right now could use a Gandhi of its own (or a Jesus or Cicero, for that matter). It really didn’t come as that much of a surprise that the Afghan elections were riddled with corruption and illegitmacy. As has been said in these pages months ago; the functioning of democracy in Afghanistan is, in some ways, at present, an almost empty vase, in a country where women are broadly still treated like third-class citizens; where, in fact, an actual law has been passed allowing men to ’starve their wives’ if they refuse to have sex. Where a reputed eight out of ten women still suffer regular violence, and where eighty percent of women are illiterate, having been long excluded from educational opportunities. A country that is still being undermined by the Taliban, and which still has – even outside of the Taliban – tribal, sexist, and unmodern attitudes.

Invading Afghanistan wasn’t a solution to anything; merely a starting point – at best. At worst, an endless and costly exercise in futility, though optimism would be the most honourable course now. But Afghanistan, even more so than Iraq (which was at least a fairly modernised country before 2003), is going to take a long time to evolve beyond its old-world culture. Whether that means foreign troops should be there for a long time too is another matter, but such deep-rooted and long-lasting attitudes and dynamics can’t be neutralised by military activity, nor even by democracy, as lately evidenced. What’s needed is an evolution of its lesser cultural follies; and that can only happen organically, and will, in all likelihood, take at least a generation.

A viscious, evil attack on a woman this week has been widely reported. Attacks, of course, happen all the time in our cities, because we live side-by-side with a sub-culture of diminished intelligence and fast-degrading morality, which is percolating particularly among the presently adoloscent generation. But this woman, in particular, was demonstrably singled out for being dressed a certain way or having a certain look – she was a Goth; and there was nothing incidental or random about it. There was anoter attack of a similar nature about a year ago, against a younger woman who was also a Goth, and this too got quite a lot of attention in the newspapers, if only for a day or two (people stop caring very quickly).

The question of what it is exactly about Goths that make them a target yields a fairly quick and easy answer; they look and dress different to the norm (the norm being rotweiler-faced yobs or chavs, presumably), they are self-expressionists and non-conformists, and they follow a minority, non-mainstream culture. That’s all the reason that feral, base, street-prowlers from the lower end of the gene pool need to attack someone in the nastiest manner. It’s quite simply a transference of the most basic bullying principle from the playground to the streets – single out and torment the weirdo, or the different-looking one, or the fatty or the school’s sole Asian kid or Jew, etc.

We can, as a society, cite all kinds of (entirely valid) marks of our modern enlightenment, and of the progress of our cultures over the passed fifty years or so; but there are still infectious underclasses of minority-hating brutes populating our cities and societies. People who instinctively see The Other as someone to be hated, feared, taunted, degraded, humiliated, and even assaulted. And that Other can be practically anyone; a Goth, an immigrant, a gay man, a Muslim woman with her face covered, or just someone wearing the wrong hat.

Personally, I’d much rather populate my world with Goths and as many other counter-culturalists as I could find than with chavs, thugs or morons…

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The Cold Truth

The clocks have gone back another hour, it’s getting darker, and wetter, and colder by the layer, and porridge is back on the menu.

This unfortunately also means that if you work night shits, you won’t get to see daylight again for a very long time.

I already have burns on my hands from a hot casserole dish full of Irish stew. And for some reason, I subconsciously stocked up on light bulbs. You never know…

Drinking port from an old jam jar in front of the radiating, homely warmth of a fan oven. A time for quiet contemplation and eating so much meat that you have a big hairy black shit in the garden, amongst the foxes and wolves.

Halloween night was spent hiding in my front room with all the lights off whilst children dressed as Satan and death rung the door bell and tried to nick my BMX all night.

That fucking door bell with its novelty tune that you can’t bloody change. Very funny, I already pay you silly rent every month, why do I have to put up with this ding-a-ling, piddley-pong, around we go, WAHEY! bollocks every time some total stranger comes round at eight in the morning to stand on a stool and use the light from his mobile phone to illuminate the electricity meter in the hall way, while I stand there in my dressing gown with hair like a ginger Don King staring at them until they leave. Fuck sake!

And I have just discovered that over the past summer, my lovely, sensible cardigans have been a nourishing feast for a host of moths, and now look like I stole them from a tramp. Screw the moths, I’m wearing them anyway. I even filled my wardrobe and drawers (no, not my pants) with moth balls. It seems all this did was make my room smell like petrol and make my clothes smell like museum exhibits. If anyone knows a clothes moth execution method that actually works, please let me in on it, I’m running low on air rifle pellets.

Beware of dog shit hidden under the dead leaves.
Big hairy black ones.
HJ
cold truth

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