Another letter I had to send to someone who tried to screw me over. No reply to this one either. I get the impression that they’re not taking me seriously. Maybe I should try to follow it up with a second letter, or a parcel full of excretion.

Dear Mr. J Sainsbury’s

I have been a customer of your moderately overpriced supermarkets for some years now, and have rarely had cause to complain despite the amount of my time and money that you have indirectly absorbed.

However one particular practice that your staff have recently taken on has been causing me considerable distress.

I’m sure a man of your calibre, owning a chain of successful and profitable supermarkets would have at least some kind of understanding of the law. The one particular aspect that I would like to bring to your attention is the legal drinking age in Britain. I’m assuming that this still stands at eighteen as it has done since the invention of alcohol in 1950.

Now, I am over thirty, yet most of the staff in my local Sainsbury’s refuse to serve me alcohol. Why? Because for some reason, you have decided to take the law into your own hands and change the legal age for purchasing alcohol to twenty five, and I do not have any ID. Even in America where the sport of binge drinking does not have any prominent athletes, you can buy a drink of weak, pissy lager at twenty one.

The humiliation and stress that your staff have caused me cannot be rectified. There is nothing that can be done to mend the damage done. This has gone way too far.

Here is what I intend to do. Since you have taken the law into your own hands, then I will do the same. I will be going to my local store this evening where I will help myself to a bountiful supply of my favourite alcoholic beverages. I will then sit on the floor and drink them right there. So that I do not commit theft by leaving the store with your property, I will then wait until I pass urine in the cat litter section. I may then wander around, read a magazine, if I get hungry I may help myself to a pastie or something from your fine deli counter. Likewise, I will then wait until I defecate or vomit before leaving with anything that I have not paid for.

Should this arrangement not be practical with you, please let me know ASAP so that we can arrange alternate methods of compensation.

I await your reply
HJ