Unfortunately I have not felt compelled to send a complaint letter to anyone for quite some time now.
Maybe the world is getting better, maybe I am getting better at dealing with it.

Here is a particular favourite of mine that I sent to KP Snacks regarding Nik-Naks crisps a little while ago.

Dear Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms KP Snacks.

I am writing to you with regards to your Nice n’ Spicy flavour Nik Naks. These were always a favourite of mine in my school days and I bought a packet for my lunch today. “50% less saturated fat… Same great taste!” is the headline on the front of the packet. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that they are anything but the same as I remember.
Firstly, they look entirely different. The shape is the same, that of an ugly phallus modeled from clay by an old blind man. It is the colour that has gone. I remember them as being flecked with a deeper orange, now they are bland beige. Colourless, the hue of piss seeping through a leaking nappy. They cannot even be described as having a colour, they are entirely void of colour, it is a surprise to me that they’re not completely invisible.
Secondly, I couldn’t help but notice that the taste has been muted to match the afore-mentioned tone. The tang has gone. They were never really all that spicy anyway, but they had a pleasurable taste. Now, they are about as spicy as a solitary boiled potato floating in a large Yorkshire pudding that has been filled with tepid dishwater. With this in mind I suggest that you change the name from “Nice n’ Spicy” to “Average n’ Bland”.
Thirdly, and this really confused me, the packet also says “THIS BAG CONTAINS APPROXIMATELY 2 SERVINGS”. Who in their right mind buys a packet of crisps and then only eats half? It’s not like the bag is very big either, only 50 grams. And the way that you have it printed in capitals makes it sound like it is a direct order, shouted through a megaphone at the obese children of Britain.
I propose that you change these few small details to make this product edible once again.
-Give us back the 50% saturated fat that you have denied us. It was probably the only flavour in them.
-Change the boast that they have “50% less saturated fat… the same great taste” to something more suitable. Such as “50% less great taste… the same shape.”
-Instead of shouting at fat children to only eat half the packet, why not try “IF YOU EAT TOO MANY PACKETS OF CRISPS YOU WILL TURN INTO EVEN FATTER LITTLE SHITS, AND THEN YOU WILL ALL DIE FROM HEART ATTACKS AND QUITE FRANKLY, YOU DESERVE IT.”

I wait with eager anticipation to hear your reply.
Yours truly,

I never did get a reply to this letter, still, the closed mouth doesn’t get fed.
HJ