There were still tickets on the website the day before the gig luckily, so I didn’t end up being ripped off by a tout after all. Gallows were playing a charity gig in their home town of Watford and I intended to be there.
I’ve never been to Watford before, and now I know why, it’s fucking miles away. In total, it took me two hours to get there, and that was using our world famous underground tube railway subway line thingy, I could have flown to Spain. When I got there it was snowing, I asked a staff member where I was, in case I had accidentally gone to Glasgow, and then checked what time the last horse and carriage back to civilisation was.
Upon arrival, I collected my ticket and got frisked by a doorman, who didn’t ask me to empty any pockets, thus completely defeating the object of being checked. Good job too, as I was packing heat.
I then put my coat in the cloak room, got a beer and stood at the entrance to meet my mate. The crowd contained a few old rockers, but mainly consisted of people ten years younger than me in a uniform of checked shirts and skinny jeans. It was a bit like a gay lumberjacks convention, I looked down at my own checked shirt and skinny jeans and hated myself for being such a conformist, then made a mental note to cause serious bodily harm to as many of them as possible later on. Obviously there was at least one person wearing a gallows tee-shirt, “Gosh! You like gallows? What a coincidence, so do I, that’s why I paid £14 to get in you fucking dick-shit.”
Nobody really gave shit about the support group, and I couldn’t tell you their name. When gallows came on there was a sudden and unexpected surge to the stage. My full pint of beer immediately got punched out of my hand, and the bar had just closed, so I pushed my way to the front to harm some children, but they were being quite reserved and watching from the back. About half way through I realised that my phone was missing, I checked the floor, but if I got my hands too low I’d end up like the action man I had as a kid, I chewed its hands up so much it was too arthritic to hold its Kalashnikov.
After the gig was over, my friend came to me and handed me my phone he had found, although he had lost his own. He also gave me a spare battery cover that he thought was mine. It didn’t really make a great deal of difference as one was broken, and the other was bent, at least I had the phone.
I’d missed the tube, so I got myself to the train station and waited, and waited, and waited, and then… nothing. I was chatting to another guy who just came from the gig, he told me to look him up on face book under the name Velcro Bear, this made me think of him entirely covered in a thick coat of pubes, I won’t be adding him to my friends. We waited, and waited, and waited. Eventually a train did arrive to take us to Euston, where I then had the pleasure of waiting for a night bus home. Eventually I got in at some time around 3am. Great gig, hellish journey.
This morning I awoke laying on my back, I can never sleep on my back so I knew I was in some sort of trouble. My teeth all seemed to be there, and I wasn’t wearing a cast anywhere, so I attempted to get up, but it took a while as everything hurt. I tried to say “oouch” but made a noise like a frog being stepped on. There was a bruise exactly the same size and colour as a mouldy lemon on my left bicep. The only way I knew I had not had a mouldy lemon tattooed on my arm was because there was two more on my back. I feel slightly better now, but can’t turn my neck properly and find it hard to get up from the sofa. This must be what elderly people feel like every day.
Important lessons learned:
1. Don’t go to Watford.
2. Don’t take anything valuable to a punk gig.
3. Stop dressing like a child.
4. Never associate with anyone who calls themselves Velcro Bear.
5. NEVER EVER GO TO WATFORD.
HJ



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