The Dark Night

There were still tickets on the website the day before the gig luckily, so I didn’t end up being ripped off by a tout after all. Gallows were playing a charity gig in their home town of Watford and I intended to be there.

I’ve never been to Watford before, and now I know why, it’s fucking miles away. In total, it took me two hours to get there, and that was using our world famous underground tube railway subway line thingy, I could have flown to Spain. When I got there it was snowing, I asked a staff member where I was, in case I had accidentally gone to Glasgow, and then checked what time the last horse and carriage back to civilisation was.

Upon arrival, I collected my ticket and got frisked by a doorman, who didn’t ask me to empty any pockets, thus completely defeating the object of being checked. Good job too, as I was packing heat.

I then put my coat in the cloak room, got a beer and stood at the entrance to meet my mate. The crowd contained a few old rockers, but mainly consisted of people ten years younger than me in a uniform of checked shirts and skinny jeans. It was a bit like a gay lumberjacks convention, I looked down at my own checked shirt and skinny jeans and hated myself for being such a conformist, then made a mental note to cause serious bodily harm to as many of them as possible later on. Obviously there was at least one person wearing a gallows tee-shirt, “Gosh! You like gallows? What a coincidence, so do I, that’s why I paid £14 to get in you fucking dick-shit.”

Nobody really gave shit about the support group, and I couldn’t tell you their name. When gallows came on there was a sudden and unexpected surge to the stage. My full pint of beer immediately got punched out of my hand, and the bar had just closed, so I pushed my way to the front to harm some children, but they were being quite reserved and watching from the back. About half way through I realised that my phone was missing, I checked the floor, but if I got my hands too low I’d end up like the action man I had as a kid, I chewed its hands up so much it was too arthritic to hold its Kalashnikov.

After the gig was over, my friend came to me and handed me my phone he had found, although he had lost his own. He also gave me a spare battery cover that he thought was mine. It didn’t really make a great deal of difference as one was broken, and the other was bent, at least I had the phone.

I’d missed the tube, so I got myself to the train station and waited, and waited, and waited, and then… nothing. I was chatting to another guy who just came from the gig, he told me to look him up on face book under the name Velcro Bear, this made me think of him entirely covered in a thick coat of pubes, I won’t be adding him to my friends. We waited, and waited, and waited. Eventually a train did arrive to take us to Euston, where I then had the pleasure of waiting for a night bus home. Eventually I got in at some time around 3am. Great gig, hellish journey.

This morning I awoke laying on my back, I can never sleep on my back so I knew I was in some sort of trouble. My teeth all seemed to be there, and I wasn’t wearing a cast anywhere, so I attempted to get up, but it took a while as everything hurt. I tried to say “oouch” but made a noise like a frog being stepped on. There was a bruise exactly the same size and colour as a mouldy lemon on my left bicep. The only way I knew I had not had a mouldy lemon tattooed on my arm was because there was two more on my back. I feel slightly better now, but can’t turn my neck properly and find it hard to get up from the sofa. This must be what elderly people feel like every day.

Important lessons learned:

1. Don’t go to Watford.
2. Don’t take anything valuable to a punk gig.
3. Stop dressing like a child.
4. Never associate with anyone who calls themselves Velcro Bear.
5. NEVER EVER GO TO WATFORD.
HJ

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Powder To The People

Yay! It’s snowing! Let’s all go oust side and behave like five year olds!. The schools are closed, and there’s no public transport, and that means no work for many of us.

This is the only time when it is perfectly acceptable to launch missile attacks on passing vehicles and strangers, ESPECIALY if they are female, less chance of getting your teeth punched in that way.

You can tell Aussies and South Africans a mile off.
They’re generally the ones taking photos of everything and grinning, like they’re at a free-beer barbeque. The ones strutting around in tee-shirts are Polish, at least they’re not taking the day off!

We all know about the classic snow time activities- snow men, sledging, snow ball fights, snow angels etc. Here are a few alternative ways to enjoy the white stuff.

1.
Find a fresh dog turd, and very carefully build a pointed cone of snow around it, then hide and wait for a child to jump on it.

2.
Whisky Snow Balls.
Take a tumbler. ½ fill with whisky, make a snow ball, drop into tumbler. Hey-presto, hedonistic slush puppies for everyone!

3.
Golden Rings.
Stand in a grassy area full of fresh snow, extract penis, commence urination, spin around until you’r surrounded by a yellow circle.

4.
Naked Snow Angels.
Ah! I’m ashamed to say that we actually did this once, whilst high on whisky snow balls. It seemed like such a good idea. Just make sure that there’s no-one around with a video camera and a facebook account,

5.
Stay at home and crank the heating up to eleven. Who wants a broken coccyx bone anyway?
HJ
36400008

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Grey Britain

As an avid collector of all genres of music, I find myself constantly trying to shock and impress myself with something new, something that will make me take notice of what’s going on in the world. As opposed to tapping my foot and smiling along with the same ol’ rhythm that all is well and good, as long as there is a nice bass line and some clever sampling.

When I first started to notice the power of music as a child, I listened to the likes of Public Enemy, whose album Fear of a Black Planet got banned from the school disco after my friends and I tried to get the DJ to blast a few numbers. I distinctly remember writing “N.W.A” in chalk on the black board at primary school, I can’t have been more than nine or ten. My teacher Mr. Kearns asked me what it stood for. When I told him, he assumed I was being a horrible racist and made me eat my lunch alone in the corridor. Through my guilt and fear I was really thinking Wow, I’m on to something here. “If you fuck with me, I’ll put my foot up yo ass!”

Later at secondary school the beats were replaced by Nirvana, and unfortunately I have to admit, Rage Against the Machine. Again, they did little but fuel my hatred for authority and society in general, without having to rebel or do anything controversial myself.

Since then, all I have had to get my kicks from is gurning electro, raw indie and the suppressed smokey haze of dub reggae. There has been a fist sized hole in my CD rack that hasn’t been filled for way over a decade. Sure, I listen to some dark offerings from bands like Nick Cave, Tricky, Arab Strap etc, and I love them, but they simply do not convey the aggressive, violent angst that one needs to get through several years of living, working and commuting in a city like London.

Cue Gallows. Oh, Gallows, where have you been when I needed you, on my battered old MP3 on a packed rush hour tube train full of knobs in suits and drunken loud mouths with McDonalds meals? I discovered them after reading a review of their new album Grey Britain, and I thought “yeah, I’ll have some of that, I need it like a hole in someone else’s head”. For someone who has always stubbornly shunned anything and everything in the metal section at HMV, this is a real adventure into the unknown for me. Those who know me well may even call this out of character, a mid-life crisis, or a cry for help. I say to those people, get some hardcore London punk in your collection, NOW!

How often do you discover a whole new sound that makes you want to go out, get covered in tattoos, burn churches, drown horses, rape the queen and this pleasant land, and then kill yourselves, with a grin and a wink. All accompanied with soaring string orchestras and weighty riffs. My original fear was that I may turn into a grifty, grow a pony tail and start to compose a wardrobe of black, near black and olde black. These guys however, have well maintained short hair, immaculate, well fitted suits, and trilby hats, as well as several enormous tattoos (I heard that vocalist Frank Carter is a tattoo artist himself). Imagine Pete Doherty being kidnapped, covered in art, force-fed steroids and then starved for several days before being released in a butchers shop, this is the image they convey.

I no longer worry about my new found infatuation with the London hardcore scene, I’m far too busy worrying about what everyone else must be going through in their mundane existence of U2 and REM albums, sweet rosé wine and comfy slacks. In these current financial crises we are all engulfed in, what better reassurance could you wish for than “The Union Jack has bled away, it’s black and white, and it is fucking grey.” or “We are the rats, and we run this town. We are the black plague bearing down. We have no fear and we have no pity, we hate you and we hate this city. London is the reason, when it burns down we’ll be tried for treason.” Amen genius. http://www.myspace.com/gallows
HJ

gallows

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