Whilst eating my cheese and pickle sandwich and drinking a cup of “coffee” from the vending machine at work yesterday, I overheard a conversation. I was in the mess room sat by two girls talking about the difference between men and women when it came to carnal desire.

I turned round and got caught grinning, and involuntarily ended up involved in their debate.
One of the girls was stating that men have a higher sex drive because their organs are on the outsides, whereas womens are internal.

“They’re constantly thinking about sex because they have to hold their penis when they go to the toilet, and when they wake up its right their.”

“So, basically you’re saying that we’re all perverts because we have penises?” I replied.

“No, actually. That’s not what I mean at all!” She hissed. “What, I’m saying is that…”

It was at this point that I stopped listening, because it’s all stereotypical bullshit. I’m sick of the way that men are seen as Neanderthal rapists powered by beer. Contrary to popular belief, we don’t think about sex every five seconds, or else how the hell would we be able to do anything else? It’s rubbish.

The instant I turned on my idiot filter, my eyes glazed over and I wasn’t thinking about sex, willies or growlers. I was thinking about having a break from cheese and pickle sandwiches and bringing in salads. I was also thinking about how long I had left of my lunch break, and how long it was until I could ultimately go home and watch telly.

I momentarily drifted back in to find that she was still ranting at me about how we react when meeting our friend’s partner, after hearing dirty stories about her in the pub. Realising that she was still regurgitating ill-informed clichés I became aware that everyone in the mess room was now listening, and I was trapped. I had to get out, what if everyone thought that I was sat there thinking about her tits? I wasn’t of course, It’s impossible to see what anybodies gender is through such an unflattering uniform.

I decided not to bother with salads, but to make more interesting sandwiches instead. Something like avocado, sun dried tomatoes and feta, now that would be a real treat. Or, just imagine, roast beef, mustard and piccalilli, oh fuck yeah! Hey, I think there may be a can of Red Stripe in the fridge. I should phone my grandparents at the weekend. That guy’s got such a shiny scalp, it’s amazing. I still haven’t listened to that Cancer Bats CD I bought. So much laundry. These boots are actually quite comfy. I hear Peter Falk has Alzheimer’s, such a shame. How much vitamin C does a banana contain? More than my boots I expect, less than Peter Falk though. What time is it? Great!

“I’d better be getting back, interesting point though, we’ll have to discuss this another time.”
HJ